Woke up at 2.00am and could not get back to sleep, just lay there thinking, worrying really, still awake at 3.30am. I have realized this week, that grief not only feels a lot like fear, a big part of it is fear, of the future, of being alone in the world, even with good friends and family I am now ON MY OWN, Peter is not here anymore (still find that hard to believe) no one 'has my back' 'loves me like he did' and that's really scary. I have to work it all out on my own now.
Got up at 4.00 am, no point lying there if I can't sleep, have to get up at 5.00 am to get ready for work anyway. Ah, work, while I welcome the structure and need the money, I could do without the stress of it all. 
Just over 6 months now and quite emotional this last week. I think I am starting to move out of my numbness and the sadness and feelings I could not allow out previously are moving to the surface. Also, one day I am energerised and achieving everything on my list, the next one, I can't be bothered with amything, even looking after myself.
The biggest revelation today is, how afraid I feel, underneath eveything else, I wonder if that as well as the ongoing, ever present sadness is what I  am trying to run away from and distract myself from with busyness, procrastination, food, etc.?
I wonder how today's counselling session will go? 2nd one.