I hate this day.
I hate celebrating a thing I will never be.
I hate honoring a woman who makes me feel bad about myself.
I hate that a friend I've had for over 25 years,
got the child she never really wanted (and a girl no less)
as an afterthought to my discovery that a hoped for pregnancy
was menopause.
I hate that Molly is gone.
I hate that yesterday, Kailey walked in through my front door
(Andi has been getting me Mother's Day gifts since Kailey was
born because I have been like a "second mother" to her)
and said "Happy Auntie Day".
Three and a half year olds do not make that kind of statement
without coaching........ she has NEVER called me "Auntie".
I am not her Auntie.
I am NOT the "Auntie" to my friend's daughter......
I am NOT a token title in any person's life.
I was a mom to a small furry girl;
who was sweet and funny and smarter than I am,
quicker than I am, sharper than I am
more patient than I am........
more alive than I am.....
and now she's gone.
I hate this day.
And more than anything
I hate that I am going to have to go out
and celebrate
something I am mourning
when I would rather stay home and cry.
I hate this day.
I wish it was over.
I wish there was one person
who could actually hug me right now
and make me feel better.
But my mom can't do it
(this is HER day after all, it wouldn't occur to her;
and besides......... "God doesn't do pets"
so I should never have been as stricken by Molly's loss
as I was........ and why on Earth aren't I over it by now?)
My husband can't do it
(it wouldn't occur to him either
and at this point, a hug from him would be as empty
as the place in my life where Molly used to live)
I hate this day.....
and now I have to go
get everything ready to go celebrate with others
that which I will never be.
That which I was; to a small furry girl
who is no more.
I miss you Midget.
I love you with all of my heart
and I miss you every day.
I hate celebrating a thing I will never be.
I hate honoring a woman who makes me feel bad about myself.
I hate that a friend I've had for over 25 years,
got the child she never really wanted (and a girl no less)
as an afterthought to my discovery that a hoped for pregnancy
was menopause.
I hate that Molly is gone.
I hate that yesterday, Kailey walked in through my front door
(Andi has been getting me Mother's Day gifts since Kailey was
born because I have been like a "second mother" to her)
and said "Happy Auntie Day".
Three and a half year olds do not make that kind of statement
without coaching........ she has NEVER called me "Auntie".
I am not her Auntie.
I am NOT the "Auntie" to my friend's daughter......
I am NOT a token title in any person's life.
I was a mom to a small furry girl;
who was sweet and funny and smarter than I am,
quicker than I am, sharper than I am
more patient than I am........
more alive than I am.....
and now she's gone.
I hate this day.
And more than anything
I hate that I am going to have to go out
and celebrate
something I am mourning
when I would rather stay home and cry.
I hate this day.
I wish it was over.
I wish there was one person
who could actually hug me right now
and make me feel better.
But my mom can't do it
(this is HER day after all, it wouldn't occur to her;
and besides......... "God doesn't do pets"
so I should never have been as stricken by Molly's loss
as I was........ and why on Earth aren't I over it by now?)
My husband can't do it
(it wouldn't occur to him either
and at this point, a hug from him would be as empty
as the place in my life where Molly used to live)
I hate this day.....
and now I have to go
get everything ready to go celebrate with others
that which I will never be.
That which I was; to a small furry girl
who is no more.
I miss you Midget.
I love you with all of my heart
and I miss you every day.
Replies
((((((Janine)))))))
Funny thing about \"tokens\", they get you where you want to go. Fact is you love that kid. Fact is she\'s 3 and has a mom. She needs to see you as something and seeing you as an Aunt isn\'t too bad. That mom of hers must love you a lot to give you such a special place in her child\'s life. And what place is that? Well, kids see moms as common place people who are always aroud. You hear their words and file them for later. BUT an Aunt...well, they don\'t have to give a crap and the fact that they do, the fact that they take such an interest, the fact that they love you right or wrong even though they don\'t have to...well that\'s about as special as you can get.
When Kaeley gets older...project a little now....how will she see you? Will you be just a token? or will you be the \"go to\" person in her life? Will you be some ditZy old girl her mom knows or will you be the trusted Aunt that has taught her to dream? She honors you today because you have honored her life. A kid does not have to be biologically yours to know how much your mean to them. How huge a part of their life you are. How very much you have molded them into the person they become.
To this day I resent the fact that my sister\'s kid Coleen lived and my son died. Now I love Colleen with my whole heart and the fact is I am very close to her...but it\'s there and it won\'t go away. They were 7 days apart in age and she\'s the closest thing I will ever have to holding Timmy and I will be forever grateful that she places herself in my arms and trusts me like no one else...I am her first call and always have been. Pat used to tell her to go live with me!
As far as your mom...well I bet she has her moments when she sees all you have accomplished and wishes she had been better, closer, different...and if she don\'t ...well she just didn\'t \"get it\". I know how much you loved Molly. You know how I know? Well if your mom wasn\'t nurturing...you are...so to give all the love and all the support and compassion you do, you had to feel very deeply for someone else. I am grateful to Molly for teaching you that.
Something you\'ll never be?....but are! To everyone that knows you...you mother....to your kids in school....you mother....to Evil and P...you mother....to Kailey...you mother.
By the way, just for the record...God does animals! He created them first, saved their furry little butts on the Ark and is surrounded with them in Heaven. I would imagine Molly has already found just the right tree in just the right garden for you. I too wish that I could hug you for real..then foot you in the ass becaue you just don\'t realize how much you mean to so many people. Love Ya (and that ain\'t a token!) Kathy
On most days........ if you were to ask me,
I would tell you how grateful I am for my life. How rich and full it is and that I am only able to appreciate that richness because of the other things I have experienced. I know full well that I am the one who determines my role in my own life and in the lives of those around me. And yes, I am a \"mother\" to many and have worked very hard to make a difference in the lives of those who will let me.
But you know what............
sometimes I just need a moment to mourn.
A little time to cry so I can move forward without bitterness.
I try to take those moments here because this is usually where I can do it without feeling bad that I have............
and you know what?
I\'m not going to apologize because sometimes I FEEL BAD.
And well you should! Because it is unfair! Because you should be holding your own child! Because you would be a great mom! And mostly because you always knew what kind of mom you didn\'t want to be. Bitter, hell yes! I\'m bitter for you too damnit!
YEA ME TO I WAS THINKING ABOUT MY COUSIN TODAY WHO HAS 2 GIRLS THE SAME AGE AS MY 2 AND HAD 7 ABORTIONS TOTAL IN HER LIFE! I SAID TO MY HUBBY TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE YOU KNOW IT\'S NOT FAIR THAT JANINE HAS NEVER HAD A BABY WHEN SHE WANTED ONE SO BAD, WHEN MY COUSIN DENINE HAS SO MANY ABORTIONS HAS 2 GIRLS AND THEN COMES UP PREGNANT LAST YEAR AND HAD YET ANOTHER GIRL AT AGE 45. IT JUST DOESN\'T SEEM FAIR! HE ASKED \"WHO IS JANINE?\" AND WITHOUT THINKING I SNAPPED LIKE HE SHOULD KNOW EVERY ONE OF YOU LADIES NAMES \"MY FRIEND ON THE COMPUTER, YOU KNOW! THE SCCOOL TEACHER\" HE SAID \"OH OK SORRY I DIDN\'T KNOW\" I SAID \" NO I\'M SORRY HONEY I DIDN\'T MEAN TO SNAP\"....... ANYWAY!!!!! IT\'S NOT FARE!!!!!!!!! BUT DO KNOW THAT WE AND YOUR PRECIOUS MOLLY KNOW JUST HOW WONDERFUL OF A MOMMY YOU WERE TO HER AND YOUR OTHER PET FAMILY. PLEASE KNOW THAT YOU ARE SO SPECIAL TO US AND WE LOVE YOU JANINE FOREVER!!!!!!!!*K
You may sometimes think that I slide right over these journal entries... not so... I actually read this one this morning... I have a hard time believe it or not knowing what to say... I have to go away and think about it... You see I always believed that in essence Molly was your little girl... but it seemed crass to say so... and I thought it might make you mad... and I really like you and don\'t want to hurt you or to make you mad... You should join us on the second Sunday of every month light a candle for Molly at noon your time.... in memory of your little girl... For those who know and love you we encourage it... for those who don\'t my sympathies go out to them... No child or pet can replace Molly... but I am glad you have both in your life... they are valuable in and of themselves.... I hope my jokes about Molly in her kleenex tutu make you smile... I love it when she preens and dances in front of the mirror on your dresser... Oh... you don\'t have a dresser... Oh yes you do... if only in my mind... Hugs Elissa