Greetings and Salutations oh heros of my heart, friends of my fancy and gals who are my gift! The play wasn't great, the movies we rented afterwards weren't much better but we had a WONDERFUL time together and when she left today around noon we were both feeling happy and content. We have 25yrs of friendship together; have seen some really good and really bad times....... There was a long period when I wasn't sure the relationship would survive some of our personal changes but we seem to be getting past that.......... which is good. It would seem that I was relaxed to a state of utter immobility as after cleaning up (as soon as she left) I came right back here to check in with you guys......
And went to sleep for 6 hours on the sofa............. Ok, I guess I needed that too.
For those of you who haven't heard, I'm going to talk a bit about Molly my Sweetface midget, Kailey my Sugarpuss and Christopher "Bear" my husband..........
Bear and I will be married 15yrs this coming Sept. We got married later in our lives, my first his second (I have told EVERYONE that it doesn't matter so much if you're the second wife as long as you're the LAST wife) and we are childless. We were trying to get pregnant (and thought I was) when my Dr ran some tests and said I was in full-on menopause. No "peri", no warning, no passing go, etc..., etc..., and so on. I went into a pretty lengthy and severe depression upon learning this and it did some damage to the marriage....... Long story, different time........ In any case, suffice to say it was all pretty dark. In 2002 (our 10th wedding anniversary) we bought our first house and Bear went right back out on the road. He works as a Superintendent installing Astroturf football fields around the country and works 7 days a week, up to 14+ hours a day in the heat of the season which can run from the end of Jan. to as late as the end of Nov. and many, many seasons have come and gone with him never working in our home state even once. One of the reasons being a sub has worked for us is that it enabled me to travel to be with him on the road as his is a profession many marriages do not survive.
Three and a half years ago, my cousin's daughter (who, at 15 had been one of my bridesmaids) came over to the house to tell me she was pregnant. It was quite the miracle as she had been told it would probably never happen. God love her, she knew how hard my not having one was on me (especially since girlfriend Lori who had never WANTED one decided to get pregnant after we found out I couldn't) and watching Lori who NEVER wanted children have a girl 1 year and 9 mo. after I went into menopause had really torn me apart. Are you keeping up? Congratulations! I am difficult AT BEST *lol* to keep up with! So Andi sat in my living room telling me she hoped I wasn't too hurt that she was pregnant and when I said I WAS THRILLED FOR HER, she said we could share! So we kind of did! I took her to her ultrasounds and check-ups (she's a single parent), went to visit her in hospital when she ended up on bed rest for the last 4-5 weeks before Kailey was born and I have been taking care of Kailey 2 and 3 or more times per week since she was born. Interestingly enough, Andi went back to school to get a degree and her teaching certification and I like to think I might have been helpful to her in that regard as well. The moment I laid eyes on Kailey in the premie ward I lost my heart. I said "Hello Sugarpuss (don't bother asking where the heck that name came from..... none of us know!) I'm your Janine!" and I have belonged to her ever since.
When my mom was little, my grandma hired a woman to help take care of her. Part care-giver, part play-pal, not quite nanny or governess; her name was Helen and although she lost her heart to my mom like I did Kailey, I like to think that Helen was really MINE and came into my life to teach me about love in the midst of a highly dysfunctional family and upbringing. Helen loved me no matter what. It wasn't about me living up to anything, filling any certain role or being any kind of "future hope" of my parents...... Helen loved me for me. So I decided to be Kailey's "Helen". To love her for her, to be her safe place to come to and to spend as much of my life as I can showing her everything I can about being whole and healthy and a person in her own right whom I love and cherish with all of my heart. Because in many ways...... Kailey opened my heart in a way I wasn't sure would ever be possible............. Which brings me to Molly.
Molly, for all intents and purposed, was the child I'll never have. We connected immediately on a level I have never experienced with another living soul. We could read each other's minds with a look. She was my bridge back into the world and the means by which I navigated some awful storms in my life while still managing to keep going with love and hope in my heart. Molly kept me going. Molly made me want to keep going. Molly was my girl, my Sweetface, my "Midget" and my baby. Molly (short for Taj Mahal, Kailey called her "Taja Molly" which is a temple built out of love) was a chin..............
But SO MUCH more than that....... please excuse me for a quick cry...
Molly woke up every morning to say good-bye before I went to work and was in the corner of her cage ready to greet me and be let out as soon as I came home. I arranged my schedule around her. We played together, laughed together (yes, she really could laugh), she made fun of me so she could laugh at me and she sat on my feet when I cooked dinner in the kitchen. She/we were learning how to get her onto my shoulder to go for rides/walks........... I thought we'd be together forever............ And on Sat. Dec. 16th she died from burns to her feet that had peeled off her skin because although it was my job to keep her safe.......... and I failed spectacularly...............
I don't blame God for taking her................ Free will and "a plan" are mutually exclusive....... But she made it to the hospital. She lived through the first 6 days and Dr. Maas said she was going to be ok and he was HUGELY impressed with how well she was doing..........
I was on the phone with him when she died in my arms although I was begging her not to leave me.............
And I DO believe God could have let her be....... He could have left her to survive but He didn't. It will never matter what I was supposed to learn through that loss and I don't care what anyone says about it. She was all I ever really had and she's gone. There is no bloody plan. He doesn't "need another angel" or "call our loved ones home". It's not about that. He may give life but once He has He sits back and watches to see what we do with our free will and then lets things play out accordingly............... Do I still believe in Him? Yes. But not the way most others do and not they way I used to. I still believe in God. I'm just not sure what He believes about me........
and Molly is............ Molly is still with me and always will be and
IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!............... So please excuse me again.......
for a little while........ I'll come back later ok?
And went to sleep for 6 hours on the sofa............. Ok, I guess I needed that too.
For those of you who haven't heard, I'm going to talk a bit about Molly my Sweetface midget, Kailey my Sugarpuss and Christopher "Bear" my husband..........
Bear and I will be married 15yrs this coming Sept. We got married later in our lives, my first his second (I have told EVERYONE that it doesn't matter so much if you're the second wife as long as you're the LAST wife) and we are childless. We were trying to get pregnant (and thought I was) when my Dr ran some tests and said I was in full-on menopause. No "peri", no warning, no passing go, etc..., etc..., and so on. I went into a pretty lengthy and severe depression upon learning this and it did some damage to the marriage....... Long story, different time........ In any case, suffice to say it was all pretty dark. In 2002 (our 10th wedding anniversary) we bought our first house and Bear went right back out on the road. He works as a Superintendent installing Astroturf football fields around the country and works 7 days a week, up to 14+ hours a day in the heat of the season which can run from the end of Jan. to as late as the end of Nov. and many, many seasons have come and gone with him never working in our home state even once. One of the reasons being a sub has worked for us is that it enabled me to travel to be with him on the road as his is a profession many marriages do not survive.
Three and a half years ago, my cousin's daughter (who, at 15 had been one of my bridesmaids) came over to the house to tell me she was pregnant. It was quite the miracle as she had been told it would probably never happen. God love her, she knew how hard my not having one was on me (especially since girlfriend Lori who had never WANTED one decided to get pregnant after we found out I couldn't) and watching Lori who NEVER wanted children have a girl 1 year and 9 mo. after I went into menopause had really torn me apart. Are you keeping up? Congratulations! I am difficult AT BEST *lol* to keep up with! So Andi sat in my living room telling me she hoped I wasn't too hurt that she was pregnant and when I said I WAS THRILLED FOR HER, she said we could share! So we kind of did! I took her to her ultrasounds and check-ups (she's a single parent), went to visit her in hospital when she ended up on bed rest for the last 4-5 weeks before Kailey was born and I have been taking care of Kailey 2 and 3 or more times per week since she was born. Interestingly enough, Andi went back to school to get a degree and her teaching certification and I like to think I might have been helpful to her in that regard as well. The moment I laid eyes on Kailey in the premie ward I lost my heart. I said "Hello Sugarpuss (don't bother asking where the heck that name came from..... none of us know!) I'm your Janine!" and I have belonged to her ever since.
When my mom was little, my grandma hired a woman to help take care of her. Part care-giver, part play-pal, not quite nanny or governess; her name was Helen and although she lost her heart to my mom like I did Kailey, I like to think that Helen was really MINE and came into my life to teach me about love in the midst of a highly dysfunctional family and upbringing. Helen loved me no matter what. It wasn't about me living up to anything, filling any certain role or being any kind of "future hope" of my parents...... Helen loved me for me. So I decided to be Kailey's "Helen". To love her for her, to be her safe place to come to and to spend as much of my life as I can showing her everything I can about being whole and healthy and a person in her own right whom I love and cherish with all of my heart. Because in many ways...... Kailey opened my heart in a way I wasn't sure would ever be possible............. Which brings me to Molly.
Molly, for all intents and purposed, was the child I'll never have. We connected immediately on a level I have never experienced with another living soul. We could read each other's minds with a look. She was my bridge back into the world and the means by which I navigated some awful storms in my life while still managing to keep going with love and hope in my heart. Molly kept me going. Molly made me want to keep going. Molly was my girl, my Sweetface, my "Midget" and my baby. Molly (short for Taj Mahal, Kailey called her "Taja Molly" which is a temple built out of love) was a chin..............
But SO MUCH more than that....... please excuse me for a quick cry...
Molly woke up every morning to say good-bye before I went to work and was in the corner of her cage ready to greet me and be let out as soon as I came home. I arranged my schedule around her. We played together, laughed together (yes, she really could laugh), she made fun of me so she could laugh at me and she sat on my feet when I cooked dinner in the kitchen. She/we were learning how to get her onto my shoulder to go for rides/walks........... I thought we'd be together forever............ And on Sat. Dec. 16th she died from burns to her feet that had peeled off her skin because although it was my job to keep her safe.......... and I failed spectacularly...............
I don't blame God for taking her................ Free will and "a plan" are mutually exclusive....... But she made it to the hospital. She lived through the first 6 days and Dr. Maas said she was going to be ok and he was HUGELY impressed with how well she was doing..........
I was on the phone with him when she died in my arms although I was begging her not to leave me.............
And I DO believe God could have let her be....... He could have left her to survive but He didn't. It will never matter what I was supposed to learn through that loss and I don't care what anyone says about it. She was all I ever really had and she's gone. There is no bloody plan. He doesn't "need another angel" or "call our loved ones home". It's not about that. He may give life but once He has He sits back and watches to see what we do with our free will and then lets things play out accordingly............... Do I still believe in Him? Yes. But not the way most others do and not they way I used to. I still believe in God. I'm just not sure what He believes about me........
and Molly is............ Molly is still with me and always will be and
IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!............... So please excuse me again.......
for a little while........ I'll come back later ok?
Replies
Oh the pain and ache, I feel for you Janine. I love my Trooper dog the same. The only dog I ever had prior to Troop died 18 years ago, Ossaya was his name. He was 11 years old. I finally broke down and got Troop 4 years ago, well my son got him for me. He is a fawn colored boxer that doesn\'t drool, very rare. He is my buddy, with out him I don\'t know?? He just feels all that I\'m feeling, I know it has to be hurting him and I don\'t want to hurt him. Anyway I can somewhat relate and my heart goes out to you. Feel better and know I\'m thinking of you.
(((((Janine))))), No, IT\'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH! And the whole God thing...well, I truly understand. There are no lessons to be learned, life is too sacred to be treated as some pawn in a game of chess IMO. My son\'s life was sacred...he was not killed to teach me or anyone else some lesson. His killer however thinks that this was all some Godly game, his \"wake-up call\" and that he was spared by God for a purpose (what about my son--did he have no purpose?) because he \"still has work to do\". I assure you my son still had plenty of \"work to do\". Perhaps the cruelest twist of fate of all was that I was praying for my son that night, at the time he was dying unbeknownst to me. Praying for his happiness and safety. I don\'t know, and never will understand, why Molly and my son could not have been left to survive. They surely should have been. How I wish it were all different for them...for us. I am so very sorry.
I had a cat taht dies a couple of years ago. He had heart problems, and went into renal failure from the heart medications. When he died, I was lost, completely lost. He was my baby, had been from the day he found me in that parking lot. When I lost him, I thought I would lose myself, as well. Yes, I have other animals, but some are just special, no matter how much you try not to play favorites. He was my soulmate, in a way no human has ever been. I believe in reincarnation, so I just pray that he will find his way back to me again. Please do not allow anyone to belittle your loss just because Molly was \"just\" an animal. Sometimes, we let animals closer than we let people, because they actually appreciate your love.