Most of my life has been spent pretending to be something I'm not. Confident and self-assured when I felt afraid and insecure, in control and on top of things that left me overwhelmed and scattered, sober when I was wasted, innocent of things I believed myself to be guilty of, knowledgeable as opposed to completely clueless, happy instead of sad and prepared for things that still seemed to catch me completely off-guard. In many respects, I think that may be the stuff that growing up is made of. We pretend to be something we are not until we figure out what we are or come to the realization that we have grown into the "role" we've created.
So now I stand here as this woman who is a product of so very many things and I have to ask myself if there is anyone (including me) who REALLY knows who and what I am all about....... The answer is: OF COURSE NOT!!!! How could anyone else know the things that I myself am still unsure of?
Don't get me wrong, I have always prided myself on my "what you see is what you get" outlook and behavior. But that doesn't necessarily mean that I am completely in the know about just what exactly my "what" really is. How could I be when I have always been utterly committed to the acquisition of knowledge and the essential inevitability of change. Those things which are mutually exclusive to the concepts of predictability and sameness...........
When I was about 16, my father told me I should go after a career in law because I was so good at telling a lie that I could even make myself believe it. The truth or falsehood of that statement is irrelevant at this point because it was clouded by alcohol, dysfunction and the kind of on-the-edge hysteria that can only be found in a household that functions negatively and has teenagers in it throwing oil on the fire. What's important about that statement is the response it ultimately elicited from me and the person I am still becoming as a direct result of having had it leveled at me.
I am brutal in my examination of who and what I am....... I have no patience for apathy or disrespect and although I love many and try to treat ALL of them with consideration; I respect very few and once I believe I have been deceived or taken advantage of my fury takes years to abate. Honor is not just a word to me, it's a state of being. If I screw up I own it and I have no use for people who cheat on any level about anything.........
All that being said.... I still must confess that as a work in progress (and I intend to be a work in progress until the day I die) I struggle with who and what I am and know that my vision of myself is nowhere near the one that other people have of and/or for me. In point of fact, it's probably not too much of an exaggeration to say that for the 30yrs I was having periods I was actually 2 people: Dr Janine and Ms WACKJOB! Separate and distinct personalities with completely different perspectives and pursuits. Hell, I'm pretty sure Ms Wackjob is still in there somewhere with an eyebrow raised and a hatchet in her hand waiting for just the right moment to crack someone's skull. ;-)
So what does any of this have to do with grief, my life or my journal? PLENTY!
I AM DIFFICULT! Becoming the person I can see in my mind's eye is damn hard work and it takes both conscious effort and subconscious commitment. So, at 47yrs old, I'm more than just a little reluctant to spend any excess time or energy in anything that cannot help my own exploration, growth and awareness. There are places to go and people to see and miles to travel before I sleep....
( I'm pretty sure that's a quote from someone/something but for the life of me I can't think what).
Underneath those things is an awareness that I can, will and must make choices about who I want to spend the time I have left with and how I'm going to use my energy........
The only person I have any interest in holding a mirror up in front of is me. Because if I'm not being authentic and true to what I believe (even if it's only on a day-to-day basis) then what has any of my life been for?
So now I stand here as this woman who is a product of so very many things and I have to ask myself if there is anyone (including me) who REALLY knows who and what I am all about....... The answer is: OF COURSE NOT!!!! How could anyone else know the things that I myself am still unsure of?
Don't get me wrong, I have always prided myself on my "what you see is what you get" outlook and behavior. But that doesn't necessarily mean that I am completely in the know about just what exactly my "what" really is. How could I be when I have always been utterly committed to the acquisition of knowledge and the essential inevitability of change. Those things which are mutually exclusive to the concepts of predictability and sameness...........
When I was about 16, my father told me I should go after a career in law because I was so good at telling a lie that I could even make myself believe it. The truth or falsehood of that statement is irrelevant at this point because it was clouded by alcohol, dysfunction and the kind of on-the-edge hysteria that can only be found in a household that functions negatively and has teenagers in it throwing oil on the fire. What's important about that statement is the response it ultimately elicited from me and the person I am still becoming as a direct result of having had it leveled at me.
I am brutal in my examination of who and what I am....... I have no patience for apathy or disrespect and although I love many and try to treat ALL of them with consideration; I respect very few and once I believe I have been deceived or taken advantage of my fury takes years to abate. Honor is not just a word to me, it's a state of being. If I screw up I own it and I have no use for people who cheat on any level about anything.........
All that being said.... I still must confess that as a work in progress (and I intend to be a work in progress until the day I die) I struggle with who and what I am and know that my vision of myself is nowhere near the one that other people have of and/or for me. In point of fact, it's probably not too much of an exaggeration to say that for the 30yrs I was having periods I was actually 2 people: Dr Janine and Ms WACKJOB! Separate and distinct personalities with completely different perspectives and pursuits. Hell, I'm pretty sure Ms Wackjob is still in there somewhere with an eyebrow raised and a hatchet in her hand waiting for just the right moment to crack someone's skull. ;-)
So what does any of this have to do with grief, my life or my journal? PLENTY!
I AM DIFFICULT! Becoming the person I can see in my mind's eye is damn hard work and it takes both conscious effort and subconscious commitment. So, at 47yrs old, I'm more than just a little reluctant to spend any excess time or energy in anything that cannot help my own exploration, growth and awareness. There are places to go and people to see and miles to travel before I sleep....
( I'm pretty sure that's a quote from someone/something but for the life of me I can't think what).
Underneath those things is an awareness that I can, will and must make choices about who I want to spend the time I have left with and how I'm going to use my energy........
The only person I have any interest in holding a mirror up in front of is me. Because if I'm not being authentic and true to what I believe (even if it's only on a day-to-day basis) then what has any of my life been for?
Replies
The correct blithe comment might be tell us when you find out... I don\'t find your thought processes evoke bs thoughts... much of what you have felt or are feeling... I have felt and am feeling... I guess its ok... we keep reinventing ourselves... trying to find some peace... but let us not get too comfortable... we know how easily the world can be tipped on end... still I have thought at times... aren\'t our brains a wonderful thing... all the different things we can and do think about... sometimes its a damn pain... it won\'t shut up either... ah well just sharing some thoughts. Hugs Elissa
HOW\'S MY FAVORITE LADY DOING?? SORRY ABOUT THE FRIEND THING, I DID DELETE EVERTHING BECAUSE I WAS GOING TO LEAVE. BUT THE DRAMA IS OVER NOW, AND I NEED THIS SITE TOO MUCH TO LEAVE IT. WILL YOU PLEASE DO ME AND THE WORLD A FAVOR AND WRITE A BOOK, YOU HAVE AN AMAZING ABILITY TO WRITE JANINE, JUST AMAZING!!!!!!!!(((((((HUGE HUGS)))))))) LISA
By-the-by
I should add that, in no way am I unhappy about my constant state of evolution. I try very hard to welcome change rather than fear it and if the spotlight I turn on myself seems a little harsh occasionally it is only serving to keep me aware of my own need for growth. I wrote this entry because in the end, the only people we are really qualified to judge is ourselves and while we might be able to help others along their road to discovery, we shouldn\'t make the mistake of thinking we can be responsible for anyone but ourselves.
Wow, Janine... you have great insight.
I thought of a couple things that I have lived by, knowing the same struggle, but not able to be as eloquent as you in writing.
One is that old saying, Fake it till you Make it.... that whole thing of pretending to be confident and self-assured even though you were scared to death on the inside.... yep, I\'m very well acquainted with that.
And my other thought is that no person, no human, knows me, but God does. He made me and he knows everthing in my heart and on my mind, even the stuff that is buried in my subconscious. He and I know the truth about who I am at any given time, and that\'s all that matters.
Oh yeah, and this: Please be Patient - God isn\'t finished with me Yet (all about that work in progress)
I believe we all continue to grow and learn and change all our lives, that it should be so. If we go stagnant or get stuck along the way, it is not a good thing.
Praising God for the gift of you, and your work in progress, and your journey, and your wonderful way with words.
Sorry I have to resort to bumper sticker mentality, but it\'s simple and keeps me going!
hugs,
Becky