In the end,
there are really only two things people care about.
What you do,
and how it effects them.
So the thing I have to learn to make peace with
is living with the choices I make and the actions I take. Because that's the pillow I wake up on in the morning. So I have to make my mind up about whether or not it's going to be a rock, a hard place, or something a little easier to get up and walk away from.
It would seem that things have not gone well in terms of my coverage of Suzanne's classes. One of the classes is a great deal behind...... I didn't move fast enough through the material.... I wasn't as organized as I should have been..... I didn't "get it done". Naturally, it's the class with the highest skill level and the kids who are in the "standard" program that I have screwed up on the most. Which is not to say I haven't screwed up the other class too. Just probably not as much........
So I'm going to write a little bit about it here and then move on.......
Because what other choice do I have?
....... and life is like that anyway.
I'm pretty sure I asked Suzz what exactly I needed to do for her. I know I told her I wanted to start Unit 4 instead of Unit 3 because I was more familiar with the material.......... I also know she was one of the few people in my life who knew how broken I was about Molly and I KNOW I told her that it was screwing with my ability to focus and to function....
whether she remembers that or not.
I know too that we discussed how difficult her "room" is to negotiate in terms of working successfully with a math class. It was designed and is arranged for an architectural drafting class and is one of the most awful configurations I have ever dealt with for this medium. Oh, we also touched on the fact that administration had really stuck her with all of their problems (and said "solutions" if you can call it that) because she had not been teaching for 2yrs after having Sydney and was now pregnant again and taking yet another maternity leave........ This after only being back since last Sept. So she's got tough kids and a tough work environment.
It's also ironic that she, more than any of my peers, knows exactly what my background is because we have worked together on and off since my first long-term sub in the 99/00 school year.
(... and although I am "old" I am NOT referring to the 1899/1900 school year.... LET ME MAKE MYSELF CLEAR!) I mentioned to her more than once that I remember her first year at the High School (we got our start in Middle School) and how she said it wasn't until the year was over that she was really ready to teach it. I, on the other hand, have NEVER taught an entire year of the same curriculum in the same building. Much less taught it a second year and been able to refine and perfect my techniques.....
But the bottom line here is that I just didn't "get it done". It doesn't matter why, it doesn't matter whether or not I knew what "it" actually was and it doesn't matter what outside circumstances may have been wrapped up in any of it......
I just didn't get it done. So I've gotta own the repercussions and they will not be pretty..........
Suzz has always been the one I've gone to for letters of recommendation over the years and I'm pretty sure that won't be happening anymore. I would also imagine there won't be anymore long-term subs in mathematics at that school again....
But it doesn't mean I won't work again.....
It doesn't mean my life is over......
and it probably doesn't even mean that I SUCK as a teacher. What it does mean is that I'm going to feel bad about this for awhile and that I'm going to have to add yet another battle to the war I'm already fighting just to try and be "OK" in my own life. We owe the IRS 1700 dollars and that was money which WAS earmarked to pay down some substantial credit card debt.......
Debt that Christopher reminds me almost daily is also ALL MY FAULT......... again and again and again. Because he doesn't believe in depression and HE WAS ON THE ROAD EARNING MONEY FOR 10 YEARS SO HOW CAN ANYTHING BE HIS RESPONSIBILITY......... HE WAS NEVER HERE!!!!!!
(gee Christopher, you don't think your absence could have been a problem do you?......... you don't think you might have spent several thousand dollars yourself over the last 4 years do you?.......)
Screw it...............
I've been alone in virtually everything my entire life.
I should be much better at it by now.
But I can feel the ground underneath me getting all soft and mushy again and sometimes I wonder why I even worry that I would get sucked back down into it........... feeling nothing would be a nice little departure from from working SO FUCKING HARD just to feel OK...............
And I miss Molly every day.............
and nothing is making it better.
Time isn't helping me let go of her.
People don't care that she's gone.
And life is just indifferent to me
........ as it has always been.
She was so small in measure to so many things
and so huge in terms of my ability to deal with all those other things...........
So I'm sorry if you've been looking for me and I've been gone..............
But I've been gone.
there are really only two things people care about.
What you do,
and how it effects them.
So the thing I have to learn to make peace with
is living with the choices I make and the actions I take. Because that's the pillow I wake up on in the morning. So I have to make my mind up about whether or not it's going to be a rock, a hard place, or something a little easier to get up and walk away from.
It would seem that things have not gone well in terms of my coverage of Suzanne's classes. One of the classes is a great deal behind...... I didn't move fast enough through the material.... I wasn't as organized as I should have been..... I didn't "get it done". Naturally, it's the class with the highest skill level and the kids who are in the "standard" program that I have screwed up on the most. Which is not to say I haven't screwed up the other class too. Just probably not as much........
So I'm going to write a little bit about it here and then move on.......
Because what other choice do I have?
....... and life is like that anyway.
I'm pretty sure I asked Suzz what exactly I needed to do for her. I know I told her I wanted to start Unit 4 instead of Unit 3 because I was more familiar with the material.......... I also know she was one of the few people in my life who knew how broken I was about Molly and I KNOW I told her that it was screwing with my ability to focus and to function....
whether she remembers that or not.
I know too that we discussed how difficult her "room" is to negotiate in terms of working successfully with a math class. It was designed and is arranged for an architectural drafting class and is one of the most awful configurations I have ever dealt with for this medium. Oh, we also touched on the fact that administration had really stuck her with all of their problems (and said "solutions" if you can call it that) because she had not been teaching for 2yrs after having Sydney and was now pregnant again and taking yet another maternity leave........ This after only being back since last Sept. So she's got tough kids and a tough work environment.
It's also ironic that she, more than any of my peers, knows exactly what my background is because we have worked together on and off since my first long-term sub in the 99/00 school year.
(... and although I am "old" I am NOT referring to the 1899/1900 school year.... LET ME MAKE MYSELF CLEAR!) I mentioned to her more than once that I remember her first year at the High School (we got our start in Middle School) and how she said it wasn't until the year was over that she was really ready to teach it. I, on the other hand, have NEVER taught an entire year of the same curriculum in the same building. Much less taught it a second year and been able to refine and perfect my techniques.....
But the bottom line here is that I just didn't "get it done". It doesn't matter why, it doesn't matter whether or not I knew what "it" actually was and it doesn't matter what outside circumstances may have been wrapped up in any of it......
I just didn't get it done. So I've gotta own the repercussions and they will not be pretty..........
Suzz has always been the one I've gone to for letters of recommendation over the years and I'm pretty sure that won't be happening anymore. I would also imagine there won't be anymore long-term subs in mathematics at that school again....
But it doesn't mean I won't work again.....
It doesn't mean my life is over......
and it probably doesn't even mean that I SUCK as a teacher. What it does mean is that I'm going to feel bad about this for awhile and that I'm going to have to add yet another battle to the war I'm already fighting just to try and be "OK" in my own life. We owe the IRS 1700 dollars and that was money which WAS earmarked to pay down some substantial credit card debt.......
Debt that Christopher reminds me almost daily is also ALL MY FAULT......... again and again and again. Because he doesn't believe in depression and HE WAS ON THE ROAD EARNING MONEY FOR 10 YEARS SO HOW CAN ANYTHING BE HIS RESPONSIBILITY......... HE WAS NEVER HERE!!!!!!
(gee Christopher, you don't think your absence could have been a problem do you?......... you don't think you might have spent several thousand dollars yourself over the last 4 years do you?.......)
Screw it...............
I've been alone in virtually everything my entire life.
I should be much better at it by now.
But I can feel the ground underneath me getting all soft and mushy again and sometimes I wonder why I even worry that I would get sucked back down into it........... feeling nothing would be a nice little departure from from working SO FUCKING HARD just to feel OK...............
And I miss Molly every day.............
and nothing is making it better.
Time isn't helping me let go of her.
People don't care that she's gone.
And life is just indifferent to me
........ as it has always been.
She was so small in measure to so many things
and so huge in terms of my ability to deal with all those other things...........
So I'm sorry if you've been looking for me and I've been gone..............
But I've been gone.
Replies
Honey, I am also a teacher. I am sure you did your best. I am positive that what you did for your class was what they needed. I used to think that it was just up to me to get them to know everything. You know what???? The kids are going to have other teachers next year unless they are seniors. If you didn\'t have them master a skill then they will get it next year. I am sure you are a perfectionist like every other teacher I know and you take the education of your students seriously. That is NOT a fault!!!That is a sign that you are a wonderful teacher and your kids are blessed to have you in their class! Especially if these students are the needy students. They are never easy to handle. WHatever you did get through to them is a miracle! Keep your head up, sweety. We have all had bad days and we all just go back tomorrow and do it all again. Only a few more months until Summer....we can do it!
Hey, don\'t be so hard on yourself. It\'s ok to have a bad day, or even a bad month, along the entire journey of your life. God Bless you for being a teacher, an often thankless job catching flack from all sides, the kids, the parents, the administration. Thank you for caring about the next generation.....
One day at a time, one foot in front of the other, doing the best we can with what we know at any given time - that\'s the best we can do. And that\'s OKAY.
Hang in there.
hugs and prayers
Becky