Hello YOU!!!!!

I got sage advice from a gardener (yes, please do see the irony *smile*), a blanket to huddle in from my sis, hugs, prayers and hope from my girls who keep me going and 4 BOXES OF PUFF'S WITH ALOE TO "BLOW" MY BLUES AWAY!!!!! Can I just say for the record that even though hemorrhoids require the softest of toilet tissue (that would be Quilted Northern yall), said tissue does not function equally well as a gentle stopgap for a volcanically runny nose! I AM CHAPPED THEREFORE I SUFFER!!!!! :-) Now, have you had enough of "vivid imagery"?........... TOO BAD!!!! hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe

Yee Gads I've been out of it! Being somewhat obsessive (she said with a sly smile), I have struggled for a long time with the feeling that if I couldn't do something "perfectly" then I shouldn't do it at all. It is a horrific battle to have to fight with oneself and to the casual observer I must appear like a bit of a freak. A person who goes from the ability to handle virtually anything on the one hand while being completely paralyzed by inaction on the other. I am nothing if not the definition of a "contradiction in terms". Unfortunately, this also extends to illness of mind, heart and body.

A while back, I wrote a journal entry in which I expressed feeling overwhelmed and immobilized at work. I've been filling in for a friend on maternity leave and covering some math classes; one of which was a very real struggle for me. I had backed myself into a corner with the need to be perfect and the knowledge that it couldn't be done. In a very real example of "we get what we need when we're ready" someone's observation on that journal entry noted that many times if we have had to adopt a "fake it till you make it" approach the end result is that you feel like a fraud when you arrive. That's a pretty damn profound statement to a gal who's spent most of her life saying she deserved an Oscar for some of the performances given over the course of a lifetime (that would be the confident, self-assured, "aware" and insightful me in case you couldn't see it coming!) Then, hot on the heels of a little self-awareness, I got hit with a sinus infection. Naturally, it also coincided with yet another grading period and another major algorithm to master and then learn to teach. I am also still mourning Molly and as glad as I am that I saved Luna from any more time in a cage the size of a suitcase (think long week-end getaway)........ I was unfortunately still comparing him to my girl which wasn't doing any of us any good.

I'm not sure which got me first; but having to fight a battle on three fronts (emotional, intellectual and physical) is daunting to say the least. It is of course part of the reason that depression is a war waged against us body and soul and also the fundamental reason it's a war that no one ever really wins and walks away from...............

In any case, my head is starting to clear (provided I can keep from actually blowing it off my neck! *smile*), my heart is starting to lift and the light at the end of the tunnel does not appear to be attached to an oncoming train! With all that being said, however, I also feel compelled to add that I have now exhausted myself and must actually take a nap! I can't ever remember if you're supposed to starve the cold or feed the neighbor's dog or soak your car engine in a hot tub......... so when I feel hungry I eat, when I feel tired I rest and at last I can also add that WHEN I FEEL VERBOSE I WRITE!!!!!
Something I haven't had the energy for in a very long time.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR HUGS AND SUPPORT!!!!! I think I can, I think I can, I think I can get better and go on! :-)

Love to you all- J