Days and days of tired, empty and depressed.
The slightest little thing seems to set me off and I can't get a handle on why.....
I've been looking for my heart but it appears to be MIA and here I thought I was beginning to remember where it was and what it was for............
I'm ok with "being". I can walk and talk and respond like a person.................
But the "doing" completely eludes me.
I got resource texts to help with the job, have opened and looked through them...... but can't seem to translate that to action in the classroom. I've collected classwork and homework and tests and quizzes; and can't seem to bring myself to score them and get them back to the kids. I've learned processes and procedures and still feel like I'm faking my way through far too often.............. even when I know that isn't true.
I don't trust what I know, believe in what I do or have much faith left that this is going to get better.......
And while part of me thinks I'm doing the best job possible under the circumstances, the other part of me thinks I'm a delusional fraud. And I HAVE TO MAKE MORE MONEY!............
I've been crying on and off for three days missing Molly and it seems like everything I see triggers another memory of her. Having her, losing her, missing her............. a life without her.
I HATE MYSELF for being stuck and dysfunctional and at the same time......... I don't have the interest or the energy in feeling anything as intense as that.
I want to go to bed until late Spring or Summer. I want to wake up 4 months from now....... or 4 weeks from now......... or far enough away from now that now won't matter anymore. So "now" will be "then" and I can look back on it and evaluate it and find something positive all of this mess of confusion and frustration.......
I need a bigger shovel.................
The slightest little thing seems to set me off and I can't get a handle on why.....
I've been looking for my heart but it appears to be MIA and here I thought I was beginning to remember where it was and what it was for............
I'm ok with "being". I can walk and talk and respond like a person.................
But the "doing" completely eludes me.
I got resource texts to help with the job, have opened and looked through them...... but can't seem to translate that to action in the classroom. I've collected classwork and homework and tests and quizzes; and can't seem to bring myself to score them and get them back to the kids. I've learned processes and procedures and still feel like I'm faking my way through far too often.............. even when I know that isn't true.
I don't trust what I know, believe in what I do or have much faith left that this is going to get better.......
And while part of me thinks I'm doing the best job possible under the circumstances, the other part of me thinks I'm a delusional fraud. And I HAVE TO MAKE MORE MONEY!............
I've been crying on and off for three days missing Molly and it seems like everything I see triggers another memory of her. Having her, losing her, missing her............. a life without her.
I HATE MYSELF for being stuck and dysfunctional and at the same time......... I don't have the interest or the energy in feeling anything as intense as that.
I want to go to bed until late Spring or Summer. I want to wake up 4 months from now....... or 4 weeks from now......... or far enough away from now that now won't matter anymore. So "now" will be "then" and I can look back on it and evaluate it and find something positive all of this mess of confusion and frustration.......
I need a bigger shovel.................
Replies
Oh, my heart is just aching for you; I hear every word and there is such a sad and humorous (I need a bigger shovel...) poignancy to your words. I know it doesn\'t feel like it, but you are doing great, just to be able to write the way you do; it\'s just amazing. There is how we feel and there is a Truth higher than our feelings; you are going to be OK; you\'re doing the work; when I felt the absolute worst, my therapist would be happy for me, it was so annoyinng, but now I see he was right. As long as you are feeling something you are on the road. I remember the whole fraud thing; fake it till you make it long enough and no wonder we feel like fakes. The answer is not to fake it but to feel til we heal it. I faked til I made it, a law degree, lot of money, looks the whole 9 yard and I felt like a fraud and fell into the deep hole of depression that perfect looking lady lawyer was not who I am; the fraud thing will pass as you discover your genuine self; but it\'s great that you feel like a fraud; you feel that way because there is some aspect of your authentic self that is no present in your present life. Depression is the vehicle to discover it. Out of the sadness of depression will come healing and a new you, fragile, shaky, like a newborn, needing all the same things you never got but now you can. All the other losses in life just become a hook to hang our original sadness on.
Geez, if you\'re OK with being and struggle with doing, I need you; I\'m the opposite; I\'m a human doing, not a human being.
Look, all I can say is that I think you are wonderful; the answers will come; you\'re doing great; keep up the good work; just be; wish I could.
Love,
Kat
Wow... both your entry and Kat\'s response are awesome... and I think you\'re both right on. I was thinking of you when I went to heartfelt blessings yesterday. I hope you don\'t want to hit me over the head... when I checked my email this morning again there was something I wanted to share with you... so I copied it and I\'m getting ready to send you two messages... longish... forgive me but I do so hope it helps. Hugs Elissa