I am exhausted, defeated, demoralized and utterly despondent............
and looking back on my list, I suppose anyone who isn't me would also likely want to add drama queen to the contents. Except being a drama queen takes energy; and I don't have any.............
Kailey is upstairs asleep, Bear is in California (AND I AM REALLY ANGRY ABOUT THAT), Luna is running around on the wheel I got for Molly which is beginning to sound like one of those old push-mowers badly in need of an oiling and a blade sharpening....
............ and I'm too tired to sleep, too over-extended to know how I will ever get through the next week (and this one isn't even over yet). I'm fighting the flu, a headache that wants to grow up to be a migraine (something I'm very susceptible to when I've pushed myself too hard) and all I really want to do is lay down on the floor and let Molly climb all over me. Only Molly is gone.............. along with my primary coping strategy, stress reliever and what feels at times, like my only true friend and constant companion..........
all the things I always thought my husband was......
or at least what I thought he wanted to be.
I'm afraid I've pissed someone off at the High School, although I don't really have a clue as to why or what for.......
I'm not on a contract, I'm not full-time (although the hours I put in usually are full-time and then some) and nobody has ever given me a "LIST" (in caps because it feels like the big list of expectations that comes along with the job no one has bothered to fully train you for or give you a manual on, or even thought to have someone show you around for)............... Can they really be mad at me because I've only given my home phone and email to the kids and not the entire staff?.....
Of course they can. Beaurocracy is beaurocracy and the big belly of the infrastructure must be fed......
even (or especially) if it's only on the bones of the people who are just trying to do the part of the job they knew about instead of also throwing themselves on the alter of failure they want to hang everybody on who isn't enough of an omniscient suck-up to the needs and egos of all the people who only manage to feel like they have any power in their lives WHEN THEY ARE SCREWING WITH SOMEBODY BENEATH THEM ON THE FOOD CHAIN!!!!!!!
GOD I HATE OUR WORKFORCE!!!!
The big engine of success that says you can't be sick and you can't be broken and if you've lost a limb and have managed to stop the bleeding then you bloody well better get off your ass AND GET BACK TO WORK!!!!!! Because all anybody wants to be is rich and since that isn't open to everybody (regardless of what we are told about this great land of "opportunity") then the next best thing will have to be lording something over the guy underneath you on the totem pole........
We never seem to care what the problem actually is as long as we can come up with someone to blame it on............
So yeah! Janine's filling in for Suzanne; let's just say the heck with the fact that she's generating her own scope and sequence for the lesson plans. Is learning some of the material as she goes because being a math teacher doesn't necessarily mean you know EVERY PROCESS THAT HAS EVER BEEN INVENTED let alone how to teach them (because teaching something comes from a completely different part of the brain then actually doing it does) let's add to that that each student and each parent thinks while teachers should be available 24/7, they are nothing but glorified babysitters and are therefore undeserving of the wage we pay all of our other primary caregivers....... for our health, our bodies of government, our legal issues and the operation and management of every major corporation in this country we want said children to grow up and run......... (because it's always about the ideal and rarely about the reality) let's just stick Janine with whatever we're pissed off about because she's there, it's convenient..... and there's no way it will come back to bite anyone............ except Janine......... and she's just a sub.
I'm tired. I'm tired and lonely and I miss Molly.....
One step forward............ ten steps back.
and looking back on my list, I suppose anyone who isn't me would also likely want to add drama queen to the contents. Except being a drama queen takes energy; and I don't have any.............
Kailey is upstairs asleep, Bear is in California (AND I AM REALLY ANGRY ABOUT THAT), Luna is running around on the wheel I got for Molly which is beginning to sound like one of those old push-mowers badly in need of an oiling and a blade sharpening....
............ and I'm too tired to sleep, too over-extended to know how I will ever get through the next week (and this one isn't even over yet). I'm fighting the flu, a headache that wants to grow up to be a migraine (something I'm very susceptible to when I've pushed myself too hard) and all I really want to do is lay down on the floor and let Molly climb all over me. Only Molly is gone.............. along with my primary coping strategy, stress reliever and what feels at times, like my only true friend and constant companion..........
all the things I always thought my husband was......
or at least what I thought he wanted to be.
I'm afraid I've pissed someone off at the High School, although I don't really have a clue as to why or what for.......
I'm not on a contract, I'm not full-time (although the hours I put in usually are full-time and then some) and nobody has ever given me a "LIST" (in caps because it feels like the big list of expectations that comes along with the job no one has bothered to fully train you for or give you a manual on, or even thought to have someone show you around for)............... Can they really be mad at me because I've only given my home phone and email to the kids and not the entire staff?.....
Of course they can. Beaurocracy is beaurocracy and the big belly of the infrastructure must be fed......
even (or especially) if it's only on the bones of the people who are just trying to do the part of the job they knew about instead of also throwing themselves on the alter of failure they want to hang everybody on who isn't enough of an omniscient suck-up to the needs and egos of all the people who only manage to feel like they have any power in their lives WHEN THEY ARE SCREWING WITH SOMEBODY BENEATH THEM ON THE FOOD CHAIN!!!!!!!
GOD I HATE OUR WORKFORCE!!!!
The big engine of success that says you can't be sick and you can't be broken and if you've lost a limb and have managed to stop the bleeding then you bloody well better get off your ass AND GET BACK TO WORK!!!!!! Because all anybody wants to be is rich and since that isn't open to everybody (regardless of what we are told about this great land of "opportunity") then the next best thing will have to be lording something over the guy underneath you on the totem pole........
We never seem to care what the problem actually is as long as we can come up with someone to blame it on............
So yeah! Janine's filling in for Suzanne; let's just say the heck with the fact that she's generating her own scope and sequence for the lesson plans. Is learning some of the material as she goes because being a math teacher doesn't necessarily mean you know EVERY PROCESS THAT HAS EVER BEEN INVENTED let alone how to teach them (because teaching something comes from a completely different part of the brain then actually doing it does) let's add to that that each student and each parent thinks while teachers should be available 24/7, they are nothing but glorified babysitters and are therefore undeserving of the wage we pay all of our other primary caregivers....... for our health, our bodies of government, our legal issues and the operation and management of every major corporation in this country we want said children to grow up and run......... (because it's always about the ideal and rarely about the reality) let's just stick Janine with whatever we're pissed off about because she's there, it's convenient..... and there's no way it will come back to bite anyone............ except Janine......... and she's just a sub.
I'm tired. I'm tired and lonely and I miss Molly.....
One step forward............ ten steps back.
Replies
Hang in there Janine--think of you...
What can we do to help you? They say listening helps and we are listening. We\'re also caring, praying and in your corner. I too let myself get eaten up by doubts because of the need of those who sought power and self esteem in kicking down on those lower than themselves... I honestly think if I\'d had Ms Francis at the time as my counselor I could have made it... She taught me better how to stand up with, beside and for myself... its important... even if you only vent here its important... but if you have a counselor wouldn\'t it help to see him/her... You\'re a good teacher... I have enjoyed so much reading about your relationship with your students... Work on sucking up enough to be there for whom you\'re really there for... your students... if I can help please tell me what to do... I care so very much for you. Hugs Elissa
JANINE, I AM SO GLAD YOU LET IT OUT, AND OH HOW TRUE IT IS. I FEEL SUCH A RELIEF KNOWING I AM NOT GOING BACK TO MY JOB. KNOWING I DON\'T HAVE TO WORK UNTIL I FEEL WELL ENOUGH. THANK GOD I HAD MY 20 YRS IN AND CAN GET MY RETIREMENT WITHOUT PENALTY. I DON\'T EVEN KNOW IF I TOLD YOU I WORK FOR A TOWN, OR SHOULD I SAY WORKED, SO I KNOW HOW CITY AND TOWN GOVERNMENT WORKS, IT IS BASICALLY A POPULARITY CONTEST, AND THE BACK STABBING CAN BE BRUTAL, EVERYONE IS UNDERPAID AND ANGRY. I HOPE VENTING IN HERE HELPED YOU AND I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO HELP, BUT I KNOW I CAN\'T GIVE YOU MOLLY BACK, JUST LIKE YOU CAN\'T GIVE ME JAN BACK, BUT THANK GOD WE HAVE THIS SIGHT, AND THANK GOD FOR THE GOOD DAYS!! HANG IN THERE............LISA