No school today because of an inservice (no kids, all teachers) which I do not have to attend because I am not under contract. As always, I think that's a good thing. I have this tendency to call things the way I see them, when I should really just sit back and observe, and most people (and in this instance I have to go with the majority) wish I would just NOT!
So I slept in an extra hour (5am WOOHOO!!!) and am now awake with nary a furious rage nor a soul-crushing sadness in sight. On the other hand, it's just me and the critters right now and since hubby came home last night from a road-trip, the bird isn't shrieking in frustration.
The past several days have been more-or-less a nightmare. I've had a pretty hard time functioning and even the things I used to find refuge in (my job, for instance) have become enormous challenges. I know that I will get my life and myself back under control but the learning curve on this exploration of grief and loss is pretty steep and as far up the mountain as I get, I am constantly reminded that the next step could leave me sliding right back down the slope in a hail of gravel and dirt. I survive because that's what I always do and I wonder if part of my journey through this life isn't the lesson of survival beyond everything I think I can. Carasmom said, in a response to a post, that she is all the ages she has ever been and I am really struck by that remark. I am all the ages I have ever been also......
I just don't think I've been them in the right order! I became an adult in an awful big hurry in response to an extremely dysfunctional family life.........
and I remember learning that drug addicts remain at the age/stage they were when they started abusing.......... so I wonder if, to some degree, that isn't true as well for the families who grow up with one. It would certainly explain a lot. I went from being about 45 in my teens to being a teenager in my marriage. The former because our family needed at least one fully functioning "grown-up" (although looking back on it I was neither) and the latter because I think, relatively speaking, that I felt safe enough to go back and be that kid again so that kid could finally grow up as well.......
Damn, that's pretty profound.........
I need to kick that notion around for awhile and since I have a pretty packed day I think I better go get started on it.
I think I'll be back tonight to continue this line of thought.......
So I slept in an extra hour (5am WOOHOO!!!) and am now awake with nary a furious rage nor a soul-crushing sadness in sight. On the other hand, it's just me and the critters right now and since hubby came home last night from a road-trip, the bird isn't shrieking in frustration.
The past several days have been more-or-less a nightmare. I've had a pretty hard time functioning and even the things I used to find refuge in (my job, for instance) have become enormous challenges. I know that I will get my life and myself back under control but the learning curve on this exploration of grief and loss is pretty steep and as far up the mountain as I get, I am constantly reminded that the next step could leave me sliding right back down the slope in a hail of gravel and dirt. I survive because that's what I always do and I wonder if part of my journey through this life isn't the lesson of survival beyond everything I think I can. Carasmom said, in a response to a post, that she is all the ages she has ever been and I am really struck by that remark. I am all the ages I have ever been also......
I just don't think I've been them in the right order! I became an adult in an awful big hurry in response to an extremely dysfunctional family life.........
and I remember learning that drug addicts remain at the age/stage they were when they started abusing.......... so I wonder if, to some degree, that isn't true as well for the families who grow up with one. It would certainly explain a lot. I went from being about 45 in my teens to being a teenager in my marriage. The former because our family needed at least one fully functioning "grown-up" (although looking back on it I was neither) and the latter because I think, relatively speaking, that I felt safe enough to go back and be that kid again so that kid could finally grow up as well.......
Damn, that's pretty profound.........
I need to kick that notion around for awhile and since I have a pretty packed day I think I better go get started on it.
I think I'll be back tonight to continue this line of thought.......
Replies
I\'m doing better Janine as I slowly come to understand that while I miss Cara\'s physical presence her spirit is with me always. She is not sad and she does not miss us because she understands that she is with us all the time now, not burdened by the demons that haunted her, only peace and love remain. She is well. I am keeping her in my heart as always and I am well. Do I fear slipping... yes... but I know Cara will help me again.
You know Freud and others have broken up our psyche into parts and I think there\'s definitely truth to it and that we sometimes without wanting to go back and forth... but still its a gift to be all that we have been... it gives us compassion and understanding that we might never have had... It gives us memories and joy... and sometimes we have to live through the pain again... Its ok as long as we continue doing all that we can to be our better selves... Love You