I really wish trust was a switch in my head instead of a place in my heart.........

As much as I'm grateful for this site and these people and the support and understanding I've found here, I almost wish I had never come. I was pretty self-contained, I understood depression (mine) and had learned to work with and around it. I knew that there are many things that people we are close to just don't want to know (like if you're broken or hurting, or just not managing your life very well "STILL"....... as if to say; aren't you over this yet?????). I knew all of those things and had learned to incorporate them into the way I lived so that I could keep on going.....

Ok, so maybe I had closed off a part of myself to do it. Maybe one of the reasons Molly was so important to me was that she was the one I accessed those feelings for. Maybe the only one besides Kailey and Kailey isn't much older than Molly either. But Kailey isn't mine. Molly is. Molly I could love and trust and hope with and know that it was ok. When Molly was dissapointed in me she got over it and we moved on. Molly got me. Molly could let it be so I could come to an understanding of sorts in my own time. So now she's gone and it seems all of that has gone with her.

I am not doing as well as I should be. I know that. I'm not oblivious to the fact that I have just stuck various aspects of my daily life and responsibility on the back burner in the hope that they will keep. In some respects, I made a very conscious choice to do that because I knew I could only manage a very focused and specific few. But I also knew it wouldn't, couldn't last forever. I just expected that re-emerging into the world would be less like shattering a pane of glass and more like the transition from spring into summer. Gradual, little steps that build on other little steps until you look around and there you are.

Unfortunately, I was wrong about a lot of things. So here I stand, all cut up and bleeding and the only person to blame for it all is me. Because I thought it was ok to trust people again. Because I forgot that honesty is like the "cement galoshes" the mafia put on your feet when they're going to drop you off a pier to "sleep with the fishes". I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE VERY MUCH........ BUT MORE THAN THAT I DON'T LIKE MYSELF VERY MUCH FOR TRUSTING THEM AGAIN........... I really, really thought that I knew better. This place has been dangerous for me. This place made me think that I could open up. That I could talk about how I felt.... and try to help other people with how they felt. That the great gift of humanity is compassion and understanding. WELL THAT'S A LOT OF CRAP!!!!!!

This isn't a real world. I don't get up with it in the morning (except that I have and I do), I don't meet it for lunch on the week-end, or compare shopping lists, or taxes, or how I'm going to get to work at 5am if the headlights aren't working. THIS PLACE ISN'T REAL AND I'VE BEEN USING IT LIKE A DRUG TO GET ME THROUGH SOMETHING I SHOULD JUST HAVE KEPT HIDDEN INSIDE ME. People do NOT want to know. They don't understand, they don't care and they DO NOT WANT TO KNOW.

Last November, I was learning to go out into the world again. I was doing it well. There was work, and chores and taking care of Kailey 3-4 days a week and daily life with Molly and paying the bills and the knowledge that, while Christopher and I were not really doing all that well, we would get through it and we would be ok. I was looking forward to Christmas. Not because there was money...... but there was a whole lot to celebrate. There were decorations to put up and plans for the new year to make and small, cherished gifts for Molly and Kailey and Lori.......... But my "gift" for the holiday was the loss of the one thing I most wanted to celebrate. My "New Year's Resolution" was to soldier on through the dead wasteland of my life. YESTERDAY MOLLY HAD BEEN GONE EXACTLY ONE MONTH. Today, my time is up. My husband thinks I need a kick in the ass to get me motivated. My friend (one of the few I thought I had left) whose job I am covering while she is on maternity leave is angry and frustrated that I am not functioning like I normally do.......... and the only thing I know for certain is that I don't have the time or the emotional wherewithall to learn to deal with my grief here, to learn to heal in peace and move on........... and then go back out into the real world where no one gives a shit about anything except whether or not I am pulling my weight. Or, more realistically, whether or not I'm pulling the weight they have come to expect me to.

I can't live like this. I don't even want to. I would rather go back to being dead inside and to succeed at that, then to feel like maybe everything didn't die with Molly and find out that belief was a narcotic delusion about something I can't ever really have. I thought I loved this place. I do love all my friends here. But this is a safty-net I can't afford. I've used up all the time alloted for grief and despair in one life and there isn't any room left for the self-indulgence of despair. NO ONE OUT IN MY REAL WORLD CARES IF MOLLY WAS MY CHILD OR MY HOPE OR MY FAITH OR ANYTHING ELSE. Molly was a chinchilla. My pet, nothing more. So, for a while at least, I'm going to go back out there and give them what they want. I'm so sorry. I'm trying not to cry as I write this because I know all too well what it means and what the cost of this decision is. I'm not saying I'm not coming back at all.......
But I need to go be a robot for awhile. I need to channel my rage and my pain not my hope or my sorrow. If I get angry, I'll get the energy I need to keep moving forward in a way that is acceptable to the people who inhabit the space I move through in this body that houses all the feelings they don't want to hear about. My god this world makes me tired. It's people suck my energy like a vacuum and then get mad at me for having the audacity to talk about it. I may never understand how to moderate what I feel and what I say in a way that will make it acceptable to my species. So I think it's time to go back to just thinking about all those things in silence and stuff the feelings that go with them into a closet no one sees. I can't quit being who I am or feeling how I feel or thinking what I think. I can choose to stop going "public" with it. But in order to make that happen......... I need to stop doing it here, at least for a little while. I don't know how to break my "connections" out there if I'm still coming here to nurture it back into to life. I love you guys. For everything you've done and everything you taught me, for your strength and your courage and the uncommon valor it takes just to be willing to share how you feel with those around you. I'm not that brave, not that strong and I don't want to start trusting the people around me again because they don't really want me to .......... whether they are aware of it or not. So, I will be back...........
but not until I get myself back under control. Not until I know I can successfully compartmentalize what I do out there, with how I express it in here. I'm fairly certain that I can have both. I just can't do it now. I'm still too sad, too broken..... too angry and too exhausted. So I'm just going to have to stop being those things until I can control them enough to only be them here. GOD I HATE PEOPLE. It just takes so much fucking energy to be superficial. And nothing deeper will do.