Hello Sweetface.......
I still miss you terribly and there are times when breathing takes everything I have. I still cry in Bear's arms and find new ways to grieve you every day. But I am also learning that you live on in me and am trying to make peace with myself so I can claim all the memories and places where you are. You were and you always will be my girl. You are the joy in my heart, the secret smile on my face and the silly laugh for no reason at all that warms my whole body like a down comforter in the winter.
There will never be a time when the things you taught me won't be among my most precious possessions. I won't go through a day without being thankful to have had you in my life (even on the days when it is not conscious, know that I will do or say or see something that will come out of the place in me where you will always live). It will never be ok for me that you are gone. I will never believe there was meaning in your death, or purpose for your passing. I will hold a small piece of anger about the futility of it all, until I lay down myself and am done with this life. Because there just isn't an explanation that would satisfy my outrage over losing you.
But because of you, I will try again. In your honor and to honor the memory of you I will bring in another baby and give him a home. Your home, your playground, your cage, your food, the things I wanted for you, I will try to give to another. And I need you to help us both. Get inside and be inside each of us. For as much as I thought I was teaching you, I really think it was you who taught me. So, you see, I'm not sure that I can do what I did with you, because I'm not really sure it was me. I think it was us Molly. I think we created our own world and our own reality and then we evolved out of it. So a lot of what I know about chillas comes from my experiences with "us". And "us" can't be recreated. I don't actually even want to. But for this to be successful (and I do think you would want that, you are the most selfless of everything I have ever known) I have know what to do and how to do it. So could you keep teaching me? Would you stay with me enough to guide me through this until I can manage on my own? Can you help me enough to be successful once again? Because I am starting to think that the best way to keep you in my life, keep you alive in me, is to have that kind of life again. Not our life. But a life that is similar to it at least in substance if not actual body. I can't tell you how afraid I really am. How terrifying it is to think that I won't have any connection with him at all, let alone one that has the shape of my relationship with you. What if I can't manage him? What if he can't have the kind of freedom you were able to and has to spend most of his time in the cage? He won't think of it as "home" like you did. If I can't let him run the way he wants to then the cage will be his jail instead of his home........
There are so many things that could go wrong, so many things I'm afraid of and so many ways in which all this just makes me want to turn back the clock and be safe with you in my life again. I miss you Midget. So much more than either of us could ever have known or predicted. I miss you and I love you and I will love you with all of my heart, for as long........... and longer......... until it turns to dust and is blown round the world on the wind..........
I still miss you terribly and there are times when breathing takes everything I have. I still cry in Bear's arms and find new ways to grieve you every day. But I am also learning that you live on in me and am trying to make peace with myself so I can claim all the memories and places where you are. You were and you always will be my girl. You are the joy in my heart, the secret smile on my face and the silly laugh for no reason at all that warms my whole body like a down comforter in the winter.
There will never be a time when the things you taught me won't be among my most precious possessions. I won't go through a day without being thankful to have had you in my life (even on the days when it is not conscious, know that I will do or say or see something that will come out of the place in me where you will always live). It will never be ok for me that you are gone. I will never believe there was meaning in your death, or purpose for your passing. I will hold a small piece of anger about the futility of it all, until I lay down myself and am done with this life. Because there just isn't an explanation that would satisfy my outrage over losing you.
But because of you, I will try again. In your honor and to honor the memory of you I will bring in another baby and give him a home. Your home, your playground, your cage, your food, the things I wanted for you, I will try to give to another. And I need you to help us both. Get inside and be inside each of us. For as much as I thought I was teaching you, I really think it was you who taught me. So, you see, I'm not sure that I can do what I did with you, because I'm not really sure it was me. I think it was us Molly. I think we created our own world and our own reality and then we evolved out of it. So a lot of what I know about chillas comes from my experiences with "us". And "us" can't be recreated. I don't actually even want to. But for this to be successful (and I do think you would want that, you are the most selfless of everything I have ever known) I have know what to do and how to do it. So could you keep teaching me? Would you stay with me enough to guide me through this until I can manage on my own? Can you help me enough to be successful once again? Because I am starting to think that the best way to keep you in my life, keep you alive in me, is to have that kind of life again. Not our life. But a life that is similar to it at least in substance if not actual body. I can't tell you how afraid I really am. How terrifying it is to think that I won't have any connection with him at all, let alone one that has the shape of my relationship with you. What if I can't manage him? What if he can't have the kind of freedom you were able to and has to spend most of his time in the cage? He won't think of it as "home" like you did. If I can't let him run the way he wants to then the cage will be his jail instead of his home........
There are so many things that could go wrong, so many things I'm afraid of and so many ways in which all this just makes me want to turn back the clock and be safe with you in my life again. I miss you Midget. So much more than either of us could ever have known or predicted. I miss you and I love you and I will love you with all of my heart, for as long........... and longer......... until it turns to dust and is blown round the world on the wind..........
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When I had Elsa in her box in preparation for buriel, I wrote her a long letter, read it to her and then buried it with her. One of the things I said was that the only way I could go on without her was to use my memory of what we were together to have the strengh to go on with the purpose of saving other animals. Not that anyone would ever replace her, because I knew they could not. They have not. But I wasn\'t about to break my promise to her and so I went on, and in reality, the only thing that really means anything to me anymore is the good I can do as far as rescuing other cats. Apparently, Elsa is holding me to my promise!!!!
When I had Elsa in her box in preparation for buriel, I wrote her a long letter, read it to her and then buried it with her. One of the things I said was that the only way I could go on without her was to use my memory of what we were together to have the strengh to go on with the purpose of saving other animals. Not that anyone would ever replace her, because I knew they could not. They have not. But I wasn\'t about to break my promise to her and so I went on, and in reality, the only thing that really means anything to me anymore is the good I can do as far as rescuing other cats. Apparently, Elsa is holding me to my promise!!!!