I woke up at 3:30 this morning fighting a migraine. I lost. So I've been flat-out most of the day and only now am able to actually focus on something without pain. But I'm also exhausted. I feel like I've been slogging uphill in a hip-deep river of mud for about a thousand years. I still cry every day for Molly. I know that no one understands and I know that I'm supposed to be "moving on". But the truth is that I don't care very much what anyone else thinks. I cried on the phone to Lori when I told her about it and haven't heard from her since. I think that may be ok too. Christopher is very good about letting me cry....... but doesn't forget to remind me that I "need to get out there". I told him I am out there damnit! I go to work, I go grocery shopping, I'm cleaning the house and doing the laundry and cooking his meals again and if that's not good enough than tough!!! I have NEVER been one of those people who wanted to be "doing something" every minute of every day just to keep me from having to do any self-reflection........ or reflection of any kind for that matter. I have never understood the frantic need to be "busy" all the time. It's as if people think that spending too much time on their own will demonstrate that they're not useful or valuable or popular enough. My god..... people can't even go to the bathroom without a cell phone pasted to their ear! "Look at me! I'm so important I have to be on the phone 24/7 or the world will stop turning!"

I am NOT a "worker-bee" or an "ant-drone" or a tv character and I have never wanted to be. I've learned that being alone doesn't have to mean being lonely and that I would rather be honest in my own company that keeping up a pretense to be in someone else's. I AM SICK TO DEATH OF BEING THE PERSON OTHER PEOPLE THINK THEY SEE! Or trying to be the person other people think they want to see. I think that for awhile I'm just going to be. Just be me. Then watch to see what comes (or doesn't come) of it. I always knew that finding out I couldn't have children, and the subsequent depression that followed it had changed me in ways it would take years to figure out. Maybe now is a good time to see what that hand of cards actually looks like. I know what it looks like for the eyes of your friends to glaze over cause they "just don't want to hear it anymore and won't you please get on with your life." I know how it feels to learn how to travel your life's road more-or-less on your own. I'm not afraid of any of those things............
But I do have to wonder if this woman I am becoming, and have become is a woman my husband even recognizes. I think I have always known that he doesn't do change well. In many respects, it's as if he thinks time just stopped moving while he was on the road. Because his responses to things don't seem to have evolved the way the things he's responding to have. I told him tonight that I was sorry I wasn't getting over the loss of Molly fast enough for him. I know she wasn't "people". But she was "people" to me and I may never really get over her loss. Learn to live with it maybe. Get over it............ I don't think so.
Tonight more than ever I realize how much I depended on her. Loving her healed me. Loving her made it easier for me to love the world and all the people in it. Loving her kept it from mattering that I was so different from everyone I knew. Loving her made me whole, made me part of the world instead of apart from it. Now, I'm not really sure that I care one way or the other. As long as I function....... get the job done....... keep up with my "chores"...... as long as I'm doing that what do I really care what anyone else thinks, or wants, or expects? I'm not who any of us thought I was. I'm tired of trying to be.

I made my life around my marriage and the obligations of "family" that came with it. I did the "relationship maintenance" the "emotional stuff" the "intellectual stuff". I worked out our problems, tried to resolve our issues and along the way I tried really hard to be more flexible and forgiving. To try to learn what really mattered and what was just an exercise in control and/or ego, then to let go of those things because they were damaging to our marriage. AND FOR WHAT?
My husband doesn't know who I am any more and since I seem to have hung up the "apron of administration", there is no one left to negotiate this path we find ourselves on. Well, it's just going to have to be enough that I am functioning. If you want to know where my head is at you're going to have to start asking questions instead of just waiting for everything to "get back to normal". You've been on the road for 13 of our 15 married years. If we ever had a "normal" we left it behind us a long time ago. I don't want to go back there and I wouldn't know how even if I did. I'm going on because it's all I've ever done. I fall down....
or get knocked down...... then get back up and move forward, then get knocked down again. But I learn and I grow and I go on. I just don't know how to do it this time without Molly.

I love you Midget. I love you with every atom of every part of me there has ever been and ever will be. I miss your smile and the way you twitched when you were happy and laughing. I miss the way you tried to squeeze through the bars for a raisin. The positions you used to sleep in. How slow you were to wake up. How much you loved me. I know you did baby. And we should have been able to love each other like that forever. I suppose I should be so much better for having had you in my life and I am. It's just that that "better" that I am, isn't helping me adjust to your loss at all. That "better" doesn't keep me from coming apart at the seams. Or wanting to scream and shout until my head comes off. Or hating everything about a world that doesn't have you in it anymore.

I just love you and love you and miss you so much.
I don't know anything about anything and what I think I figure out is just all wrong.......

Can you find me Molly?
Can you find me................. I'm lost.