Hello my friends, good morning Molly......
Yesterday started out with so much promise. It was a small moment of peace in a very turbulant holiday season. It gave me some hope that I would be able to go on. One step forward..... two steps back. But that's ok. I got hugs and hope and I know I can hang on.
I had been dreading the call to Mary for a month. She knew what had happened to Molly because I called her (and talked to her mom Janine) for the name of the vet she went to when Lola lost part of her tail. So the last time we talked, Molly was in bad shape but was getting better and was going to survive. I was so relieved and happy and I was so excited for the holidays......... I was looking forward to finally having a season and a life that I could really celebrate. It was Molly's first xmas and I told Christopher that it would be a predictor for how xmas would go over the next 15+ years of Molly's life. What do I know?
Anyway, thanks so much for the hugs....
You're right, there is no question that I was the luckiest person on earth to have had Molly in my life. She was my little angel here so of course she must be still. I know that loving her taught me things about love that I will be exploring and figuring out for the rest of my life. I should be, and I am, enormously grateful to have had the opportunity to experience that kind of love and symbiosis. Maybe I can learn to think of her as a star in my night sky. Maybe I can look to my star for guidance and direction the way ancient sailors did when they were lost at sea. In any case, she will be part of me forever. She led me here, however inadvertantly, so there are many gifts from her that I will be eternally grateful for.
As for Mary, well she said we should get together for lunch and I'm going to make that happen. If for no other reason than just to hug her and tell her again how grateful I am to have had Molly in my life and to tell her about how Molly lived. Molly loved her life and you guys have taught me that it's important to share that, to talk about it and to remember. Maybe if I tell her and show her and share with her it will help us both. Nothing's going to bring Molly back, but Mary likes sharing stories about her babies, Lola and Chopper, the way I like sharing about Molly. So maybe this will make it easier. We have to honor and acknowledge our losses and the lives we have cherished if only to satisfy the longing emptiness in the places of our lives they used to live in. I will ask her to forgive me if and when she can and that will have to do.
Also, last spring, Mary got tatoos of Chopper and Lola's footprints on the outside of each ankle. She held them over a scanner, printed out their paws and then took them to an artist. Chopper in blue on one side, Lola in pink on the other. The prints are really quite unique and you'd have to know chillas to recognize them. I was planning on doing Molly's on myself but kept putting it off (more fool me). So I'm hoping to ask Mary if I can do Chopper and Lola's instead, in Molly's honor and for the memory of her....................... TATOOS?!!!
Should I count the people who will think I'm nuts and not understand at all? No. Because (in the words of someone else who commented on somebody else's journal entry), the people who matter won't care and the people who care don't matter. The upside of hitting your late 40's is the ability to make decisions independant of the approval or disapproval of others.
Yesterday, I woke up thinking I was going to make it and by late afternoon was convinced I was going to have to go back to the beginning of all my grief (and the journey through it) and start over. Because of you all, because of this place, I don't have to start over. I can go on from here and I will. So thanks you guys. It's true that we are stronger together and it's also true that we don't have to suffer in silence. So I'll hang on to all of you, hang on to that thought and know that my laptop will keep glowing in my darkness.
PROVIDED I CAN GO THROUGH ONE WHOLE MONTH WITHOUT LOSING POWER!!!!!!!
Oh-oh, now I need a laptop with a wooden dashboard I can "knock on"!!!!!!!
Gotta go, in this moment, life is calling and I think I can answer. Thank you for being here for me. I couldn't have done any of this without you.
Yesterday started out with so much promise. It was a small moment of peace in a very turbulant holiday season. It gave me some hope that I would be able to go on. One step forward..... two steps back. But that's ok. I got hugs and hope and I know I can hang on.
I had been dreading the call to Mary for a month. She knew what had happened to Molly because I called her (and talked to her mom Janine) for the name of the vet she went to when Lola lost part of her tail. So the last time we talked, Molly was in bad shape but was getting better and was going to survive. I was so relieved and happy and I was so excited for the holidays......... I was looking forward to finally having a season and a life that I could really celebrate. It was Molly's first xmas and I told Christopher that it would be a predictor for how xmas would go over the next 15+ years of Molly's life. What do I know?
Anyway, thanks so much for the hugs....
You're right, there is no question that I was the luckiest person on earth to have had Molly in my life. She was my little angel here so of course she must be still. I know that loving her taught me things about love that I will be exploring and figuring out for the rest of my life. I should be, and I am, enormously grateful to have had the opportunity to experience that kind of love and symbiosis. Maybe I can learn to think of her as a star in my night sky. Maybe I can look to my star for guidance and direction the way ancient sailors did when they were lost at sea. In any case, she will be part of me forever. She led me here, however inadvertantly, so there are many gifts from her that I will be eternally grateful for.
As for Mary, well she said we should get together for lunch and I'm going to make that happen. If for no other reason than just to hug her and tell her again how grateful I am to have had Molly in my life and to tell her about how Molly lived. Molly loved her life and you guys have taught me that it's important to share that, to talk about it and to remember. Maybe if I tell her and show her and share with her it will help us both. Nothing's going to bring Molly back, but Mary likes sharing stories about her babies, Lola and Chopper, the way I like sharing about Molly. So maybe this will make it easier. We have to honor and acknowledge our losses and the lives we have cherished if only to satisfy the longing emptiness in the places of our lives they used to live in. I will ask her to forgive me if and when she can and that will have to do.
Also, last spring, Mary got tatoos of Chopper and Lola's footprints on the outside of each ankle. She held them over a scanner, printed out their paws and then took them to an artist. Chopper in blue on one side, Lola in pink on the other. The prints are really quite unique and you'd have to know chillas to recognize them. I was planning on doing Molly's on myself but kept putting it off (more fool me). So I'm hoping to ask Mary if I can do Chopper and Lola's instead, in Molly's honor and for the memory of her....................... TATOOS?!!!
Should I count the people who will think I'm nuts and not understand at all? No. Because (in the words of someone else who commented on somebody else's journal entry), the people who matter won't care and the people who care don't matter. The upside of hitting your late 40's is the ability to make decisions independant of the approval or disapproval of others.
Yesterday, I woke up thinking I was going to make it and by late afternoon was convinced I was going to have to go back to the beginning of all my grief (and the journey through it) and start over. Because of you all, because of this place, I don't have to start over. I can go on from here and I will. So thanks you guys. It's true that we are stronger together and it's also true that we don't have to suffer in silence. So I'll hang on to all of you, hang on to that thought and know that my laptop will keep glowing in my darkness.
PROVIDED I CAN GO THROUGH ONE WHOLE MONTH WITHOUT LOSING POWER!!!!!!!
Oh-oh, now I need a laptop with a wooden dashboard I can "knock on"!!!!!!!
Gotta go, in this moment, life is calling and I think I can answer. Thank you for being here for me. I couldn't have done any of this without you.
Replies
One of the problems I had when Elsa died is that she was only 7 1/2 and I hadn\'t known just how sick she was. I felt cheated and guilty that I didn\'t do something to save her. I never knew for sure until I figured it out after she died that she very likely had a brain tumor for some period of time...and I later came to terms with the fact that I was lucky to have her even as long as I did...and that there are no \"accidents\" in life. Whatever you regret and blame yourself about Molly, you will come to see that nothing was gonna change what was to be...God does indeed have a plan. I am leaving in a few hours for Michigan and God willing will come home with a cat...or two if it\'s meant to be. The one I originally went for but turned out to not be available, may indeed be available after all now. If it hadn\'t happened the way it did, I wouldn\'t be going back to get little \"Butterball\" who may end up serving a profound purpose in my life somewhere down the road. I didn\'t know why (still don\'t) but felt in my heart that I just needed to get down there to that shelter last Thursday. And now I am following through. Just take it step by step, do what you need to do to make it through each day, and somewhere along the line you will have an \"epiphany\" (a true one!) and perhaps get a glimpse of the purpose of it all...and you will see that you are one lucky person indeed.