Hello Molly.....
Today was ok. I had to work really hard and I think I helped a lot of kids with the math. I was tired and worn out but not in a bad way. I guess I'm going to have to keep reminding myself that there was "pre losing-you" energy and "post losing-you" energy and they aren't the same at all. It makes me wonder how much of my energy really came from you............
or was the result of the connection we shared.
Lori has been calling and calling and it turns out that she never got my email about you saying I was abstaining from Christmas this year. So I told her about what happened and just cried and cried because it still hurts so bad that you are gone. I'd love to believe that there was a reason for all this. That I'll learn something or find something that will make it bearable. But right now I just can't see that. I think I will always be hurt and angry and sad that you're not here with me............... regardless of whether or not I learn to go on without you.
Miss Penelope is fussy and angry too, although probably not for the same reason. I think she knew that, for awhile, I was angry that she was the one still alive and not you. I know that sounds terrible. I do. But if I could have traded her life for yours, I would have. She isn't really mine yet. Not like you were. I love her and take care of her and want her to be happy. But she came from someone else who couldn't keep her, just a few months ago. She's not May and she's not you so I think I may have taken my frustration and longing out on her because she was here. I know that was wrong, and it doesn't honor your memory at all. But I'm just a person......
and not as good a one as you were. Anyway, my payback for those feelings is that Miss P does let me hold her and does let me pet her but she bites me too. She doesn't break skin. But she puts enough pressure into it to make sure I get the message. We'll work it out. But I guess it's just another example of how poorly I'm managing all this. It takes all my energy to just go to work and teach. And I miss my "fix", I miss you Midget. You were my fix.
I'm bone weary and heart-broken and just a little bit empty too. Plus my headache/"I wanna be a migraine when I grow up" is back. So I think it's time to call it a night. I picked-up the last few raisins lying by your cage tonight and the last two wood chews from inside your cage. I smoothed out the towel on the floor, put the basket I carried you around in ( while you were fighting so hard to get better) back into the bathroom with the good towels in it. So it looks more normal...... sort of. I just miss you Sweetface. I will miss you every day for the rest of my life. You were loved baby. You will always be loved.
Today was ok. I had to work really hard and I think I helped a lot of kids with the math. I was tired and worn out but not in a bad way. I guess I'm going to have to keep reminding myself that there was "pre losing-you" energy and "post losing-you" energy and they aren't the same at all. It makes me wonder how much of my energy really came from you............
or was the result of the connection we shared.
Lori has been calling and calling and it turns out that she never got my email about you saying I was abstaining from Christmas this year. So I told her about what happened and just cried and cried because it still hurts so bad that you are gone. I'd love to believe that there was a reason for all this. That I'll learn something or find something that will make it bearable. But right now I just can't see that. I think I will always be hurt and angry and sad that you're not here with me............... regardless of whether or not I learn to go on without you.
Miss Penelope is fussy and angry too, although probably not for the same reason. I think she knew that, for awhile, I was angry that she was the one still alive and not you. I know that sounds terrible. I do. But if I could have traded her life for yours, I would have. She isn't really mine yet. Not like you were. I love her and take care of her and want her to be happy. But she came from someone else who couldn't keep her, just a few months ago. She's not May and she's not you so I think I may have taken my frustration and longing out on her because she was here. I know that was wrong, and it doesn't honor your memory at all. But I'm just a person......
and not as good a one as you were. Anyway, my payback for those feelings is that Miss P does let me hold her and does let me pet her but she bites me too. She doesn't break skin. But she puts enough pressure into it to make sure I get the message. We'll work it out. But I guess it's just another example of how poorly I'm managing all this. It takes all my energy to just go to work and teach. And I miss my "fix", I miss you Midget. You were my fix.
I'm bone weary and heart-broken and just a little bit empty too. Plus my headache/"I wanna be a migraine when I grow up" is back. So I think it's time to call it a night. I picked-up the last few raisins lying by your cage tonight and the last two wood chews from inside your cage. I smoothed out the towel on the floor, put the basket I carried you around in ( while you were fighting so hard to get better) back into the bathroom with the good towels in it. So it looks more normal...... sort of. I just miss you Sweetface. I will miss you every day for the rest of my life. You were loved baby. You will always be loved.
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