Today has been a real ride Molly. Sobbing for you this morning, pushing my own panic buttons over a new member this afternoon and tired and a little dispirited this evening. I keep thinking, please don't leave me Molly, please don't leave me; like if I think it enough or say it enough you won't be gone anymore. Can you feel me looking for you? Sometimes I want to feel better and think that maybe I do, while other times the thought that I might feel better seems like a betrayal of you. And nobody gets it. I understand that. You were my little miracle from the day I brought you home. It was me you talked to. Me you looked for. My feet you sat on while I cooked dinner at night. My head you jumped on when we were playing and my shoulder you were learning how to ride. You were the one I came home to. You were the reason I timed everything I did so carefully. You needed your time to run and play. You were bright and curious and funny and deserved to have an environment that evolved and changed and grew like you did. But did I give you too much freedom? You'd still be alive if I made you stay in your cage more. But would your life have been happier? I don't know........... I miss you so much and it hurts so bad and I know it's my fault that you're dead but I also know what a happy and joyous little girl you were. I know you know I loved you and I know you loved your life. I just don't know how to reconcile that I loved you so much with the fact that in the end I failed you. Really, you were such a small thing with respect to the rest of the world and such a large thing with respect to my world I just don't understand how you can be gone? What good comes from this? What does it teach me that I couldn't have learned some other way? I don't trust God anymore and I don't much like myself. I know for certain that I don't care at all what anybody thinks about how I am or will handle this. I don't understand what I'm supposed to believe in now that I have to believe it all without you. I'm tired midgit. I'm tired. And I miss you, and it hurts.
So good night Molly. I love you. Good night.