So........... thanks to my mother for reminding me that when it comes to her, I can't ever let my guard down, can't ever say exactly how I feel, can't ever trust that she'd be able to just let me feel the way I feel. Thanks mom, because I would never have guessed that god can't be responsible for "everything" or that "everything" actually means "our pets". Thanks mom. I feel so much better knowing that. And hey, I'm also really sorry that your pain over the death of the dogs we grew up with was so much bigger than anything I'm experiencing. But then, your pain is always bigger than everyone's isn't it? It was wonderful and sweet of you to insist that I open my birthday present because you want to feel good about what you've done for me. Well, not to be the bearer of bad tidings mom but you've been buying me necklaces for what, 3-4 straight years now. Have you seen me wear a necklace more than once in the last 5 years? Should I be grateful that now, instead of buying me the clothes that you would wear, in the colors you would wear, you're buying me the jewelry you would wear instead? Is anything ever going to be about anyone but you? I went over there because I wanted to do the right thing. Because I know that the world isn't going to stop just because I want it to. I left with the beginnings of a migraine and that sick feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when my ulcer's bleeding and it feels like the acid is just going to eat its way out of my body to have a life of its own. But I left with something else too. I left with the knowledge that I was right to say that I'm done with the holidays. I don't have to continue to participate in this ridiculous charade just because everybody else does. My family has demonstrated time and time again that we do not like getting together and that we are not very good at it when we try. Not participating was the nicest gift I've ever received except that I didn't actually get it! This morning I was thinking that maybe I'd go to a movie tomorrow, then stop at my favorite grocer to see if there was something there that would be nice to have on my birthday. Now I know that what I'll really be doing for my birthday is the house and the laundry and the dishes and going to the post office. Because my husband couldn't pick up after himself if his life depended on it and the whole house smells and looks like ass!!!!! I miss you Molly. I hate everyone and I miss you and the sooner school starts back up again the better. On the bright side; I cried all the way over to moms. I just couldn't help myself and I just couldn't stop. But I was so pissed off coming home that there wasn't a tear in sight. Ain't the season swell?
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You are probably aware that the psychological thing behind the martyr syndrome is the most self-centered of people. It doesn\'t seem that way on first look, but it becomes obvious that the \"poor me\" tune that they always sing contains the word ME. I did okay today at my mom\'s, but I had gone with low expectations and the attitude that I wasn\'t gonna let my mom get me down. I mainly talked to my sisters and we had some diversions, such as vacation pictures from my sister\'s trip to Australia, and it is just as well that we had something trivial to talk about. But I am not in the fresh state of bereavement that you are, and you sound alot like I felt last year when I got home from the Christmas \"celebration.\" Things hit rock bottom this past year with me realizing that things are never gonna change with the family situation and that is when I started reconditioning myself to think differently. THEY will never change, but I have the power to make MYSELF change the way I respond to them. That was a big accomplishment for me this year, just the fact that I realized that NOBODY can make me feel a certain way, since untimately I determine my own thoughts. Things went okay today, but I\'m not gonna be stupid and be a glutton for punishment and show up for my sister\'s family party on Friday. Because it\'s always a matter of \"just when you thought it was safe.\" Furthermore, the whole family is gonna be there, and that is when it is the worse. I think I\'m gonna lay low and decline to attend the party. Don\'t beat yourself up over the fact that you went and it was the same old crap. You might have regretted it if you didn\'t go. I tend to think that if we are on the fence about whether or not to do something, it is better to do it, because at least you played it through and saw for certain what the outcome turned out to be. But if you didn\'t do it, you might be second guessing yourself. As was the case with me, after enough bad scenes and your mom playing the same old role, you\'ll come to see how much time you\'re wasting trying to get her to change. I know what you mean about getting back to work too. I go back tomorrow night and I\'m happy to be getting back to a routine, dull as it is. Hang in there, another week and the holidays will be over! I\'ll talk to you later.