Yesterday was very, very dark. But I got some sage advice, some really good emotional hugs, some understanding and the feeling that I was not alone. In this moment, I feel better..... and that's something pretty huge.
This has not been a very good day. I am enraged in one moment and desperate with grief the next. I\'m mad at everyone and everything which is pretty surprising given that I\'ve only left the house to walk over to the mailbox (which I haven\'t checked since I lost Molly last Sat.). I have eaten a couple of times which is good because I\'m required to leave my room for food. It feels like I\'m just holding my breath until school starts up again and I can get back into the classroom. I told my dad that I really only have to do three things: go to work, pay the bills and feed the bird. Beyond that, screw it. I do try to touch base with him about how I\'m doing because I know that I can\'t completely dissapear from the world into my own head again. Did that for.... wow.... about 3-1/2 yrs. Only really \"came back to life\" as it were a little over a year ago. In any case, dad seems to think that since Christopher is off the road now (he ran a crew that installed astroturf football fields all over the country and was gone as many as 10 mo. out of the year) because he\'s \"office\" management instead of field management.... that I\'ll have to talk to him about all this. That assumes my husband, home or not, will actually ask me how I\'m doing and/or if there\'s anything he can do to help. I love him... but he\'s a guy and he\'s not going to ask.
I\'m mad and pissy and unfocused and it\'s not a good time to write because it\'ll all just turn into one big rant after another and although blowing off a little frustration is not a bad thing, ranting and raving is not a good thing. So I think I\'ll chalk today up as an \"anger\" stage (5 stages of grief) in my journey and then wait to see what comes out of me tomorrow..... or 20 minutes from now as the case may be...........
which is not to say that I\'m psychotic.......... not at all, really...... (that was the \"everyone should laugh now\" portion of my entry!)
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This has not been a very good day. I am enraged in one moment and desperate with grief the next. I\'m mad at everyone and everything which is pretty surprising given that I\'ve only left the house to walk over to the mailbox (which I haven\'t checked since I lost Molly last Sat.). I have eaten a couple of times which is good because I\'m required to leave my room for food. It feels like I\'m just holding my breath until school starts up again and I can get back into the classroom. I told my dad that I really only have to do three things: go to work, pay the bills and feed the bird. Beyond that, screw it. I do try to touch base with him about how I\'m doing because I know that I can\'t completely dissapear from the world into my own head again. Did that for.... wow.... about 3-1/2 yrs. Only really \"came back to life\" as it were a little over a year ago. In any case, dad seems to think that since Christopher is off the road now (he ran a crew that installed astroturf football fields all over the country and was gone as many as 10 mo. out of the year) because he\'s \"office\" management instead of field management.... that I\'ll have to talk to him about all this. That assumes my husband, home or not, will actually ask me how I\'m doing and/or if there\'s anything he can do to help. I love him... but he\'s a guy and he\'s not going to ask.
I\'m mad and pissy and unfocused and it\'s not a good time to write because it\'ll all just turn into one big rant after another and although blowing off a little frustration is not a bad thing, ranting and raving is not a good thing. So I think I\'ll chalk today up as an \"anger\" stage (5 stages of grief) in my journey and then wait to see what comes out of me tomorrow..... or 20 minutes from now as the case may be...........
which is not to say that I\'m psychotic.......... not at all, really...... (that was the \"everyone should laugh now\" portion of my entry!)