I'm having one heck of a lot of weird dreams the last month or so and almost all of them revolve around pregnancy.  I'm not intimately involved at this point with the guy who I am seeing but I keep dreaming of him being the father to my children. He's already a great dad to his 9 year old daughter so maybe that is playing into it.  We haven't seen each other in almost a month...not for lack of trying but every time we have something planned all hell seems to break loss in the world.  Today's craziness was a gunman in our city so a lot of things ended up in lock down.  Thankfully no one was hurt and there was an arrest made and a weapon found (on a transit bus at that). Anyway...all these dreams are really messing with me and making me think so much about babies.  My nephew and his girlfriend are also expecting so I'm sure that's playing into it too.  I don't want to rush into anything and I really want this relationship to be God Honoring. I saw gyne the other day and she was like make sure you use protection if you start messing around and I'm thinking in my head if I'm messing around it's because I'm trying to have a baby....but I didn't say anything.  Not just that but I know I'm high risk if I get pregnant.  So for multiple reasons I'm not ready to go down that road...but dammit I really want to.  I feel like I'm running out of time to become a mommy.  I'm in my 30's.  I always said growing up I'd have my children while I was young.  My mom was 39 when she had me and I hated it growing up. I think these dreams and thoughts and desires are messing with my head and I'm afraid they'll affect my judgement when J and I finally get to hang out again. Anyway...this is just sort of a vent/rant because I don't really have anyone safe to confide in about this and I am not about to post this kind of thing on FB for the world to see.  Haha.  I feel like the only one I can tell is J but at the same time I don't want to affect whatever better judgement he might be holding onto either.  We already know we both want kids.  We joke about it.  But I don't want to outside of God's terms or outside of marriage and yet at the same time I really do. I'm so conflicted!!!