Am I the only person who can end up in more of a crisis from calling the local crisis line then just trying to deal with things on my own?!  Because it sure feels like it. 
 
I was honest with my naturopathic doctor, I told her what's been going on and what I did.  She finally convinced me I should call the crisis line and wouldn't really even let me leave until I took their number with me. 
 
I got home and I called, I explained I wasn't in full out crisis but wanted to try to make a plan so if/when I'm in crisis I feel better able to call because I have such a hard hard hard time with picking up the phone and calling.  They didn't do any type of assessment, they just asked if I was in crisis and I said not at that exact moment.  I tried explaining I"ve been in and out of crisis for weeks and I don't know if I was able to tell them I have a hard time even in the midst of crisis identifying if I"m in one or not.  Anyway, I was told not to call unless I'm in crisis, so I got upset and started crying and apologizing and they stood their ground...never at any point asking anything other then if I'm in crisis that one time...and so I just gave up and hung up.
 
I ended up having a full out panic attack, cried and choked for a couple hours and nearly gave into the urges that were pretty much full blown at that point.  This was hours ago.  I've calmed down some and was able to have a brief sleep trying to calm.  I sent an email off to my naturopathic doctor to let her know how that whole calling the crisis line went.  I feel worse the last few hours then I have in the past few months. 
 
What am I suppose to do if the crisis line sets me into crisis?  I feel like my life is some sort of game.  It's like the past is coming back to haunt me and they all want to play with my life again.  It's like they're saying 'what can we do to drive her off the edge?'.  That's seriously how it feels almost every time I try to get any type of so called help from "the system" around here.