Changing things up just a little on here. Changed the font type and size and updated to a more recent picture. Can't believe the other one was from 8 years ago give or take a few years on either side.
I'm not really sure how I'm doing tonight. It was a good day overall. I woke up BEFORE noon! Not a big deal to many but is something I struggle with so much. It felt so good to not sleep away the day.
The problem though, is that I wasted the day away. Not all of it was a waste...but much of it. Being Sunday, I was GLUED to Facebook. I didn't get anything accomplished other then to look after Ebby and to eat proper meals. Not counting lunch because I don't have enough time in my day...I refuse to skip my breakfast-type meal.
Towards the end of the day as the clock nears closer to midnight I find I actually am looking forward to the numbers changing because I HAVE to get off of Facebook...the whole Lent thing. So I'm good at getting off (I'm determined to follow through on this) but I feel so gross and UN-productive. I know when Lent is over I'm going to need to set boundaries in how I use FB. I need to figure out balance between that and housework and whatever else I want/need to do. The occasional waste of a day might be okay, but definitely not every day or even the majority of days.
Aside from avoiding FB 6 out of 7 days a week I don't really accomplish all that much that I had wanted to when I started this season/process. The depression stuff kinda has me in a funk and it's really a challenge to do anything but sit around on the computer doing all the other stuff I don't do because I'm too glued to FB. How many more times can I mention FB in one entry?! Pretty sad/scary how much it can take over someone's life.
I've been doing a lot of reflecting today. Thinking about things from my childhood, questions that have been asked in mental health, and why the heck have I not answered everything truthfully when talking to psych or various therapists. Not that I want to relive everything I've been through but sometimes I just want a do-over. A fresh start. Press rewind and create a whole new life. Or at least a way to edit some of the things. I actually do that a lot...not answer truthfully. I don't flat-out lie but I will alter the truth without even really thinking about it until after. Then I am so mad at myself when I realize that I've done that yet again. I will minimize or alter something so it creates the least conflict. I hate conflict. I'm sort of okay with it in type/computer land, but not in spoken word...not at all. The thought question that stands out the most lately, "where you ever abused?" I always answered no, but I know sometimes I have been. But depending on who you ask it was just discipline. In later years I have talked to mom a bit about things and she did confirm it sometimes went too far in anger...not so much from her but from my dad. Things got a bit vicious sometimes, especially when I entered my teenage years. I wonder how much of the spanking and discipline plays in to my feeling like I need to hurt myself whenever I perceive I've done something wrong or really just anytime I'm uncomfortable. I don't know what to do with uncomfortable, it feels wrong a lot of times, so in the past I've numbed that by cutting, burning, punching myself, digging at my skin until it's raw, taking an overdose, drinking in excess, etc. And while for the most part I don't do these things anymore, I still get the urges and thoughts every time I feel uncomfortable or "wrong". I will admit, I still do minor self harm...I'm a skin picker and hair puller. The skin picking I'm starting to admit to people and talk about, the hair pulling...no one really knows. I keep that pretty private by sticking to areas that are usually covered. I've tried telling my psychiatrist about the skin picking but she just brushes it off and to be honest...it's something I've been doing since I was 8-9 years old...maybe younger.
Unrelated but still on the topic of mental health, I was talking to a friend today about our mental health system and how messed up it is....for example: a woman is assaulted by her husband, he gets near immediate counseling (both one on one and in a group) and more then a year later she is still waiting to see a counselor to help process the assault and deal with symptoms of PTSD from that. Around here you pretty much have to be suicidal and at immediate risk of seriously hurting yourself or someone else to get help in a somewhat timely manner...even then you are often turned away because of bed availability or they don't feel you're serious enough. Then you hear of cases were they take a perfectly happy gentleman who is just wanting to do a nice deed for people and is handing out money, and the police arrest him, take him to hospital were he is being held against not only his wishes but his families wishes for 28 days. I'm not saying he does or doesn't have a mental health issue, but he certainly wasn't harming anyone or himself. He wanted people to pay it forward when they could, or if they couldn't use the money then to pass it on to someone who they knew did. And here's my 2 cents, when people would thank him, he'd tell them to thank God, so the way I've learned things tend to work around here is if you say you believe in God and in anyway try to "promote" your beliefs you're considered crazy/insane. I know when I used to go a very "lively" church and I was still going through a lot of crisis times, I was afraid to say anything because I was literally in fear I'd be commited. I don't think this is right, at all. And everything I've written about in this long paragraph infuriates me. The system is great when it works, but if you ask me, it's severely broken and lacking.
Anyhow...I just looked at the clock and realize it's 2:40am so I should wind up and head to bed before it gets any later. Too much swirling around in that brain of mine to sleep yet though.
I'm not really sure how I'm doing tonight. It was a good day overall. I woke up BEFORE noon! Not a big deal to many but is something I struggle with so much. It felt so good to not sleep away the day.
The problem though, is that I wasted the day away. Not all of it was a waste...but much of it. Being Sunday, I was GLUED to Facebook. I didn't get anything accomplished other then to look after Ebby and to eat proper meals. Not counting lunch because I don't have enough time in my day...I refuse to skip my breakfast-type meal.
Towards the end of the day as the clock nears closer to midnight I find I actually am looking forward to the numbers changing because I HAVE to get off of Facebook...the whole Lent thing. So I'm good at getting off (I'm determined to follow through on this) but I feel so gross and UN-productive. I know when Lent is over I'm going to need to set boundaries in how I use FB. I need to figure out balance between that and housework and whatever else I want/need to do. The occasional waste of a day might be okay, but definitely not every day or even the majority of days.
Aside from avoiding FB 6 out of 7 days a week I don't really accomplish all that much that I had wanted to when I started this season/process. The depression stuff kinda has me in a funk and it's really a challenge to do anything but sit around on the computer doing all the other stuff I don't do because I'm too glued to FB. How many more times can I mention FB in one entry?! Pretty sad/scary how much it can take over someone's life.
I've been doing a lot of reflecting today. Thinking about things from my childhood, questions that have been asked in mental health, and why the heck have I not answered everything truthfully when talking to psych or various therapists. Not that I want to relive everything I've been through but sometimes I just want a do-over. A fresh start. Press rewind and create a whole new life. Or at least a way to edit some of the things. I actually do that a lot...not answer truthfully. I don't flat-out lie but I will alter the truth without even really thinking about it until after. Then I am so mad at myself when I realize that I've done that yet again. I will minimize or alter something so it creates the least conflict. I hate conflict. I'm sort of okay with it in type/computer land, but not in spoken word...not at all. The thought question that stands out the most lately, "where you ever abused?" I always answered no, but I know sometimes I have been. But depending on who you ask it was just discipline. In later years I have talked to mom a bit about things and she did confirm it sometimes went too far in anger...not so much from her but from my dad. Things got a bit vicious sometimes, especially when I entered my teenage years. I wonder how much of the spanking and discipline plays in to my feeling like I need to hurt myself whenever I perceive I've done something wrong or really just anytime I'm uncomfortable. I don't know what to do with uncomfortable, it feels wrong a lot of times, so in the past I've numbed that by cutting, burning, punching myself, digging at my skin until it's raw, taking an overdose, drinking in excess, etc. And while for the most part I don't do these things anymore, I still get the urges and thoughts every time I feel uncomfortable or "wrong". I will admit, I still do minor self harm...I'm a skin picker and hair puller. The skin picking I'm starting to admit to people and talk about, the hair pulling...no one really knows. I keep that pretty private by sticking to areas that are usually covered. I've tried telling my psychiatrist about the skin picking but she just brushes it off and to be honest...it's something I've been doing since I was 8-9 years old...maybe younger.
Unrelated but still on the topic of mental health, I was talking to a friend today about our mental health system and how messed up it is....for example: a woman is assaulted by her husband, he gets near immediate counseling (both one on one and in a group) and more then a year later she is still waiting to see a counselor to help process the assault and deal with symptoms of PTSD from that. Around here you pretty much have to be suicidal and at immediate risk of seriously hurting yourself or someone else to get help in a somewhat timely manner...even then you are often turned away because of bed availability or they don't feel you're serious enough. Then you hear of cases were they take a perfectly happy gentleman who is just wanting to do a nice deed for people and is handing out money, and the police arrest him, take him to hospital were he is being held against not only his wishes but his families wishes for 28 days. I'm not saying he does or doesn't have a mental health issue, but he certainly wasn't harming anyone or himself. He wanted people to pay it forward when they could, or if they couldn't use the money then to pass it on to someone who they knew did. And here's my 2 cents, when people would thank him, he'd tell them to thank God, so the way I've learned things tend to work around here is if you say you believe in God and in anyway try to "promote" your beliefs you're considered crazy/insane. I know when I used to go a very "lively" church and I was still going through a lot of crisis times, I was afraid to say anything because I was literally in fear I'd be commited. I don't think this is right, at all. And everything I've written about in this long paragraph infuriates me. The system is great when it works, but if you ask me, it's severely broken and lacking.
Anyhow...I just looked at the clock and realize it's 2:40am so I should wind up and head to bed before it gets any later. Too much swirling around in that brain of mine to sleep yet though.
Replies
Wow....you have really nailed the problem with mental health help. Still so much is treating others through their perception of what is \"normal\". Wish there was a simple lab test like for diabetes. And how many mental health symptoms are caused by other diseases like diabetes.
so do I, so do I