I feel sad today...and confused.  I really want to learn more about Lent and also to bring my relationship with God closer.  I feel like I need to add something but every time I think I've figured out what to add I just hit a road block or can't bring myself to do it. 
 
I started by doing a bit of reading of various info about Lent.  I thought and felt I should try to write a letter to God...I had ideas in my head....I went to start writing...and hit a blank wall.  So I thought maybe I should tune in to an online church and really I went looking for one and nothing seems/feels right. 
 
I want to stop focusing on "I" and start focusing on Him but I think "I" keeps getting in the way and I'm just ending up frustrated.  I don't want the entire season of Lent to be just about giving up FB and yet still sitting on the computer all day...which is pretty much what is happening today.  I was okay with that for the first few days as the transition but my heart desires a more meaningful, purposeful use of time and to really try to understand and appreciate the true reason why Lent is celebrated and not be just so caught up in the actual practice of it. 
 
Maybe I'm just overwhelmed.  I didn't grow up participating in Lent though I heard mention of it over the years....so really I feel very much like a child with this.  I am still learning about it.  In all honesty, even despite being a Christian for quite a long time, I still consider myself pretty much a baby as far as my knowledge and understanding goes.  I try to read the bible or my devotions but my brain glazes over and at the end of reading I often have no clue what I just read.  I can look at it again the next day and read it again and have no recollection of reading it previously.  If this is the case, how am I suppose to truly learn and grow?  I know God is with me always, but I am very much a tangible person.  I need to see, feel, hear...physically and obviously. 
 
Spiritually I think today I'm confused and overwhelmed.  Maybe that's a good thing as it is getting me reflecting and thinking and trying to get the wheels turning and unstuck.  But emotionally it's draining.  Today I feel an entire host of emotions, frustration, confusion, weariness, anger, bitterness, resentment to name a few.  Having all these feelings doesn't exactly make a person feel good.  But maybe today it's what I need and I have to try to stop trying to figure out how to "fix" it and learn to accept it but also to turn to Him for comfort instead of other external sources.... primarily the computer. 
 
I think after I write here maybe I will start thinking about setting aside time in each day to purposefully turn off the computer and spend time with the Lord...whether in worship or reading or prayer or service or however else I feel led.