Having a total I'm hating myself kind of day.  I don't know why other then probably hormones.  Period started.  I'm a mess.  My thoughts are hitting extreme lows and I keep catching myself thinking about suicide.  I'm not acting on it but I don't understand why those thoughts come so easily and out of the blue.  I had a few good days but on days like today it doesn't seem to matter how much good there is nothing feels worth it.  I'm suppose to be at my parents house.  I'll have to go before the night is out.  We were suppose to all get together at my sisters for homemade ice cream.  They're all there.  I'm like the anti-social uber bitch who has been after them for months and months to do this and now I'm not there and I don't want to be.  Well the ice cream would be fine but I don't want to be around people.  At all.  I'll still have to go to my parents overnight....I have no choice unless I skip tomorrow's appointment.  So in an attempt to snap myself out of things I finally made supper....pancakes for Pancake Tuesday...and they were awful.  I ate them anyway because I hate wasting food...so I slathered them in tons of jam...but they were gross.  I guess at least I tried.  I need to try to get myself packed up.  Can't get out of my own way to do anything. Can I just blame everything on hormones?