Hmmm... there's really no face to describe what I'm feeling.  I met my new rheumatologist today.  The meeting part went fine, I really like him and think he's a great doctor from what I know and he's very easy to talk to which is really quite necessary and very unlike my previous rheumatologist.  What I'm unsure about..or undecided...or maybe confused about is a better way to say it... is that I wasn't expecting him to be so thorough and so matter of fact.  I think I expected more of the same of what I've been getting over the last 8 years.  Let me back up a little bit.
 
Shortly after meeting him this morning, he cut right to the chase and said he thinks I do indeed have Lupus.  Uhm....what...huh... Okay, that really shouldn't have been that shocking because the specialists have all said the blood work points towards Lupus but we can't give you a diagnosis so we'll just call it a "Lupus-like condition".  So I kind of just expected more of the same sort of yeah well it looks like this but we can't say if it is or not.  So it short of was shocking to hear him say yes he does think that's what it is.  The second issue I'm having is with recommended treatment....or really not so much with the treatment as much as dealing with what happened a few years back with that particular treatment.  He is strongly recommending I start Plaquenil.  He doesn't think that we gave it enough of a chance before and he thinks the potential benefits will outweigh the risks.  My issues revolve with what I did with this medication years ago.  I overdosed on it.  It was bad.  I'm really not sure how I stayed conscious through everything that happened following that overdose but it scared me and scared me bad.  I do believe in a weird way it was God doing the whole Tough Love thing with me.  I don't think I would have realized the seriousness of what I did had I not been conscious and I really think it was needed but it was traumatic.  I really thought I had dealt with a lot of that, and maybe I had, but I realized today that what I dealt with wasn't specific to this incident and that's what I needed healing from.  I'm writing this now and it doesn't seem anywhere near as traumatic as it did a few hours ago.  Maybe that's a sign that I'm already dealing with it, accepting it for what it is/was, and moving forward.  I don't really know.  I know that moment in the past was one of the turning points in my life.  It didn't stop the behaviours, but I do remember distinctly feeling I had to choose between life and death and I do remember choosing life (though I struggled with it for years after).  I knew, as a result of that overdose and the events that happened afterwards in the ER and during my hospital admission that I could no longer deny God.  It was at that time I knew.  I still struggled and still sometimes do, but I no longer deny His existence.  I can't.  Not with what He's brought me through.  Anyway...as you can maybe tell the whole experience was a bit much and emotional....so I guess it's natural that today's suggestion to go back to that medication had a lot of baggage tied into it that I wasn't even aware of. 
 
I've got a lot of bloodwork (40+ tests) and some baseline x-rays to do.  He doesn't expect to find anything on the x-rays, but he wants to have a good baseline to compare with if there are changes or problems down the road.  It'll be easier to spot them.  He's also a Christian.  My parents met him through their church and actually go to a home group study once a week at his family's house....so I do really feel that my meeting this doctor has been a total God moment.  I think and feel that he's got the experience and the resources to really figure out what is in my best interest without blowing it over or pushing unnecessary treatment.  He's consulting with one of the best specialists around here in the field regarding my case so I feel fortunate.  But today I also just plain feel overwhelmed.  I'll probably get the bloodwork and x-rays done next week.  This week is a bit crazy.  Next week seems like a good time.  And then I go back in December for a followup and to review all the tests. 
 
Please keep me in prayer.