feels like I'm falling apart...I don't know why...I don't know if it's just the string of overcast grey days or if I'm slipping and falling into another depression... I know I feel like gravity's strength has been increased ten-fold...and my body feels like it's made of lead...and my thoughts...well...I'm thinking a lot about my old ways of coping...cutting and od'ing and trying hard not to really go in that direction...  I feel overwhelmed and I don't know why...worn out...and I just want to give up on life.  I'm aware however this might be all another one of Satan's attacks... I've been consistently doing devotionals and reading from the Bible every night before bed...and maybe just maybe that's why I feel like crud.  I don't want to stop...I want to keep pressing into God...and I keep handing him this battle....though I'm not sure if I ever quite let go... I'm tired...and I don't know how much I can take...and I know He's with me and carrying me...but it still feels awful and suffocating... I don't know what to do... I'm half tempted to call the crisis line but they don't get the whole spiritual side of things.  I haven't joined up with a church in a long time so I really don't have a pastor to reach out to... this is when in the past I'd use sleep meds inappropriately and sleep extensively...not that that ever helped any but it was an escape for a bit... *sigh*  I'm even almost to the point of going to the ER...but not quite.  I don't want to be hospitalize, nor do I think I need that...so again it would be kinda pointless.  I see psychiatrist next week.  I'll probably need to increase my meds back to the dose I was...it's only been a few weeks that I've been at the decreased dose.  I don't really want to go back up on it...in fact...I'm fighting myself to keep from going off it altogether but I know doing that won't really make me feel better...and it's all I can do to keep reminding myself of that.
 
In other news it's been a bit of an odd day.... I stood up to go make tea earlier and looked out my window only to see someone going head first into the window of an apartment next door.  Ughh...  I'm seriously hoping they were just locked out but I did the good neighbour thing and called 911 just in case.  Police and K9 units swarmed the place.  I watched for awhile...didn't see anything much...so I have no idea the end result...whether it was anything or not but it was interesting
 
Gratitude:
 
1. uhm..grateful I at least have the insight to not act impulsively anymore
 
2. grateful that I'm free to openly ask for prayer from various sources
 
3. grateful...hmmm....trying to think of something else I'm grateful for...carbonated spring water....feel like drinking pop and don't have any, plus it's not healthy, and the carbonated water (with lime juice) does the trick