I'm not doing so well these days. There are good things happening but daily life is a lot more of a struggle right now then it should be. My anxiety is out of control but I don't want to go back on benzo's....which covers most of my options. I'm not really sure what to do and am feeling like I'm falling apart and crying over everything. I have an insanely hard time stepping outside my apartment to even take the garbage out. Picking up the phone to make a phone call is excruciating. I'm suppose to go to an appointment tomorrow with Occupational Therapy and I haven't a clue how I'm going to get there. So many obstacles in my way and so I'm already having anxiety attacks over it and it's not even something I can do anything about until tomorrow.
I'm almost constantly thinking of suicide. I'm trying to not let my thoughts go there...but I keep catching them there just the same. I know it's just a sign of how unwell I am doing right now and I don't really want to die but I'm still afraid I'll act on things. I'm scared.
I did manage to go out yesterday for a bit....only because my friend spent a lot of money on tickets for us to go to Cirque du Soleil. It was good but it was almost intermission before I started to relax. We went to supper first and for a walk along the Harbourfront took the ferry and went to a bar after on the way home. Of course after a couple drinks I didn't feel the anxiety...but I can't drink every time I need to get something done. That's not reasonable and won't help me any in the long run...as tempting as it is. To even get out I had to get my friend to meet me at my place instead of meeting them in town as originally planned. It was the only way I could get out.
I know this is temporary, I've been here before, and things will get better but it still is so distressing at the time...and feels like the world is going to end. I know, I know, I know....but for some reason my brain and my body don't know.
In other news it's about 6 months since I last cut and also since last hospitalization. I'm not sure on exact dates but it's around the 6 month mark give or take a few days.
I'm almost constantly thinking of suicide. I'm trying to not let my thoughts go there...but I keep catching them there just the same. I know it's just a sign of how unwell I am doing right now and I don't really want to die but I'm still afraid I'll act on things. I'm scared.
I did manage to go out yesterday for a bit....only because my friend spent a lot of money on tickets for us to go to Cirque du Soleil. It was good but it was almost intermission before I started to relax. We went to supper first and for a walk along the Harbourfront took the ferry and went to a bar after on the way home. Of course after a couple drinks I didn't feel the anxiety...but I can't drink every time I need to get something done. That's not reasonable and won't help me any in the long run...as tempting as it is. To even get out I had to get my friend to meet me at my place instead of meeting them in town as originally planned. It was the only way I could get out.
I know this is temporary, I've been here before, and things will get better but it still is so distressing at the time...and feels like the world is going to end. I know, I know, I know....but for some reason my brain and my body don't know.
In other news it's about 6 months since I last cut and also since last hospitalization. I'm not sure on exact dates but it's around the 6 month mark give or take a few days.
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