I'm not feeling in the greatest of spaces right now... but I guess overall things are actually going pretty well.  I'm actually off of all meds!  Have been for a few weeks and while it is challenging it is going way better then I ever thought it would.  I'm enjoying the break and feeling physically better then I have in such a long long time.  I really do believe the meds were affecting my energy/motivation.  I still don't have a lot of energy but I am feeling more motivated most of the time to get things accomplished.  I don't feel like I'm dragging through my days anymore.  The down side is I am so emotional and for every semi-strong emotion my thoughts seem to go right back to how they used to... so I think about suicide a lot...but I don't think I'm going to do anything to act on those thoughts.  I have no real desire to harm myself I just feel like I don't want to be here almost all the time.  I'm hoping that with time and positive self talk that eventually this will change and I'll feel more positive.  The other thing is (which is same as before I went off meds) is that I'm having a hard time leaving my apartment without a really good reason to leave and even then it's a bit of a challenge sometimes.  I know some of that is just the fact it is winter and cold and since I am in my own apartment with my kitty Ebby I am just plain content.  Why bother going out if I don't have to when I have pretty much everything I need here.   The biggest downside of this is... I'm sitting around way too much.  Yes I'm becoming more productive but not fast enough...I've gained weight and are starting to not fit.  Anyway, I'm just doing a whole lot of complaining hoping that if I empty my big ole head that I might feel more inclined to go to bed....like I should be at 4am in the morning.