Today is probably the worst day I've had in awhile...maybe since even before being in hospital...or shortly after anyway. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and the day just went downhill from there.
I was suppose to get up early and bus out to my parents to help mom with taking my Chloe kitty to the vet, but made sure there was a backup plan in case I couldn't. Anyway, I called Mom as soon as I woke up and felt bad but she got upset and said "you NEVER do anything you say you are going to" in her defence she rephrased that pretty quickly but of course that got the thoughts in my head on a roll. And it kind of went downhill from there.
I did manage to get distracted and was just starting to feel better and knew I had a friend that was going to stop in when my phone rang...I have no caller id...and usually it's just family or my friend calling so I thought it would just be an update on how Chloe was doing. It was my Occupational Therapist wanting to know how I did with the goal of getting to the place that I wanted to visit to maybe volunteer. I haven't gotten there....which of course reinforced in my head what Mom first said. And I lost it. I was honest and told her about that and I mean she really did try to encourage me but I was too upset....and still am.
It's the first time since before hospitalization that I have felt so overwhelmed that I thought about dying. I was getting ready to get into the alcohol and take some pills but my friend showed up right then, thankfully. In fact, I don't even think I thought about that before ending up in the hospital. I just knew my actions and behaviors were leading me down a seriously destructive road and I needed the intervention. I was definitely more upset today then I was then. But my friend showed up and that helped and then I made supper for us and then we went to the mall and she treated us to Cinnabon....well we split one.
So my friend visiting, and drinking wine tonight, are really the only two things I've enjoyed today...and really, if I'm really being honest....I'm not really enjoying the wine...I am just trying to shut up my head. I'm not really a drinker anymore...I started at 9pm-ish and it's 12:40am now and I'm on glass 3. Yeah, that's all. Gone are the days of drinking a bunch in as short a time as possible. I don't work that way anymore unless it's water or coffee...lol....and then mainly just water.
Now I'm babbling. And I don't know what to do about sleep meds tonight. I'm down to .75mg of clonazepam but I haven't slept well last few days but I know it's not good to mix with alcohol...but I'm also wide awake and still kinda in a pooey mood and can't handle being awake all night if I have to try to sleep. Catch 22. And if I take it I run the risk of it having the opposite affect...it's done that before. Gah. At least with the opposite affect in the past it was kinda fun....I dunno where I'm feeling so crappy if that would be a good thing this time around. So much to figure out...and to figure out what is safest option and best choice...i dunno.
I want to actually get things accomplished tomorrow...like wash my hair (and/or have a shower...depends on motivation)...and I want to go downtown to get some errands done and I have a free admission coupon to a movie that expires end of month...so I am hoping to use that tomorrow since my friend and I can both go. She is the one that I get along best with right now and we just understand each other were right now others don't and I just feel so irritable being around anyone else...including my roommate. And I hate that I'm feeling this way.
I feel like she's too goody-goody and prissy and it's all about her and I'm annoyed that I'm even thinking that way. But like tonight she wanted me to pick up razors for her, and I'm completely broke, so she trusted me with her debit and said it has to be such and such a brand or better...those other ones are just too crappy....those other ones are the ones I use and make out fine with because that's all I can afford to use. And there's a lot more to that then just the razors...it plays over to a lot of areas but I know it's not really good on my part to be thinking and feeling the way I am towards her right now.
And mom is upset because I'm even "considering" living in public housing in one specific area because that's the only way I can qualify for a rent subsidy. I can't get the subsidy if I have a roommate and so I agreed to go on a waiting list for a certain area that I've actually heard more good then bad about...but has a bit of a bad reputation from years ago. It's not area that I feel uncomfortable in...in fact if anything the past few years I've felt kinda called to that area...so to me it's not really a big idea if I end up there. Not if I'm on the current income I am now. I know a lot of things can change between now and when my name comes up (I'm on the wait list, behind about 40 other people) so I might not need that option when my spot becomes available...but if I do I'll be thankful for it. I have the option to say no twice after viewing before being moved to the bottom of the list again so I think that's fair enough. Mom's all on my back because her baby should only live in the rich upper class area's that not even she can afford to live in...and actually a lot of those area's are now known to be some of the worst area's...with more crime and violence. So really...how does one win...when you've got a mother who criticizes every single little thought you have. Ughhh.
I know she just wants what's best for her daughter...I get that...but I just keep getting fed so many negatives and critisims that from her that I'm half tempted to just stop talking to her. Part of the problem is...she's the one I talk to most. I know the time is coming (sooner rather then later) when I need to do all the talking with God and let her opinion roll off my back...but that's so hard when she is a physical person that I hear so clearly and I am not always sure when what I'm hearing is from God is actually God and not just what I want or a lie from the enemy. I mean, I always think back to the time when I was in hospital and thought god wanted me to come home to him...or when I thought I was marked for death and thought he was telling me i had to die. Yeah...I've really believed those things, I know they are lies...but it makes it harder to discern the truth now. I'm skeptical of even my own shadow these days.
Anyway, I think I'm doing a lot of babbling probably...and I'm almost done the wine and I am actually feeling a bit better for having vented (or the fact I'm actually feeling buzzed...i dunno)...or maybe a bit of both. At least at the moment I'm not feeling so upset and teary. Tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully I won't be paying for today tomorrow.
I was suppose to get up early and bus out to my parents to help mom with taking my Chloe kitty to the vet, but made sure there was a backup plan in case I couldn't. Anyway, I called Mom as soon as I woke up and felt bad but she got upset and said "you NEVER do anything you say you are going to" in her defence she rephrased that pretty quickly but of course that got the thoughts in my head on a roll. And it kind of went downhill from there.
I did manage to get distracted and was just starting to feel better and knew I had a friend that was going to stop in when my phone rang...I have no caller id...and usually it's just family or my friend calling so I thought it would just be an update on how Chloe was doing. It was my Occupational Therapist wanting to know how I did with the goal of getting to the place that I wanted to visit to maybe volunteer. I haven't gotten there....which of course reinforced in my head what Mom first said. And I lost it. I was honest and told her about that and I mean she really did try to encourage me but I was too upset....and still am.
It's the first time since before hospitalization that I have felt so overwhelmed that I thought about dying. I was getting ready to get into the alcohol and take some pills but my friend showed up right then, thankfully. In fact, I don't even think I thought about that before ending up in the hospital. I just knew my actions and behaviors were leading me down a seriously destructive road and I needed the intervention. I was definitely more upset today then I was then. But my friend showed up and that helped and then I made supper for us and then we went to the mall and she treated us to Cinnabon....well we split one.
So my friend visiting, and drinking wine tonight, are really the only two things I've enjoyed today...and really, if I'm really being honest....I'm not really enjoying the wine...I am just trying to shut up my head. I'm not really a drinker anymore...I started at 9pm-ish and it's 12:40am now and I'm on glass 3. Yeah, that's all. Gone are the days of drinking a bunch in as short a time as possible. I don't work that way anymore unless it's water or coffee...lol....and then mainly just water.
Now I'm babbling. And I don't know what to do about sleep meds tonight. I'm down to .75mg of clonazepam but I haven't slept well last few days but I know it's not good to mix with alcohol...but I'm also wide awake and still kinda in a pooey mood and can't handle being awake all night if I have to try to sleep. Catch 22. And if I take it I run the risk of it having the opposite affect...it's done that before. Gah. At least with the opposite affect in the past it was kinda fun....I dunno where I'm feeling so crappy if that would be a good thing this time around. So much to figure out...and to figure out what is safest option and best choice...i dunno.
I want to actually get things accomplished tomorrow...like wash my hair (and/or have a shower...depends on motivation)...and I want to go downtown to get some errands done and I have a free admission coupon to a movie that expires end of month...so I am hoping to use that tomorrow since my friend and I can both go. She is the one that I get along best with right now and we just understand each other were right now others don't and I just feel so irritable being around anyone else...including my roommate. And I hate that I'm feeling this way.
I feel like she's too goody-goody and prissy and it's all about her and I'm annoyed that I'm even thinking that way. But like tonight she wanted me to pick up razors for her, and I'm completely broke, so she trusted me with her debit and said it has to be such and such a brand or better...those other ones are just too crappy....those other ones are the ones I use and make out fine with because that's all I can afford to use. And there's a lot more to that then just the razors...it plays over to a lot of areas but I know it's not really good on my part to be thinking and feeling the way I am towards her right now.
And mom is upset because I'm even "considering" living in public housing in one specific area because that's the only way I can qualify for a rent subsidy. I can't get the subsidy if I have a roommate and so I agreed to go on a waiting list for a certain area that I've actually heard more good then bad about...but has a bit of a bad reputation from years ago. It's not area that I feel uncomfortable in...in fact if anything the past few years I've felt kinda called to that area...so to me it's not really a big idea if I end up there. Not if I'm on the current income I am now. I know a lot of things can change between now and when my name comes up (I'm on the wait list, behind about 40 other people) so I might not need that option when my spot becomes available...but if I do I'll be thankful for it. I have the option to say no twice after viewing before being moved to the bottom of the list again so I think that's fair enough. Mom's all on my back because her baby should only live in the rich upper class area's that not even she can afford to live in...and actually a lot of those area's are now known to be some of the worst area's...with more crime and violence. So really...how does one win...when you've got a mother who criticizes every single little thought you have. Ughhh.
I know she just wants what's best for her daughter...I get that...but I just keep getting fed so many negatives and critisims that from her that I'm half tempted to just stop talking to her. Part of the problem is...she's the one I talk to most. I know the time is coming (sooner rather then later) when I need to do all the talking with God and let her opinion roll off my back...but that's so hard when she is a physical person that I hear so clearly and I am not always sure when what I'm hearing is from God is actually God and not just what I want or a lie from the enemy. I mean, I always think back to the time when I was in hospital and thought god wanted me to come home to him...or when I thought I was marked for death and thought he was telling me i had to die. Yeah...I've really believed those things, I know they are lies...but it makes it harder to discern the truth now. I'm skeptical of even my own shadow these days.
Anyway, I think I'm doing a lot of babbling probably...and I'm almost done the wine and I am actually feeling a bit better for having vented (or the fact I'm actually feeling buzzed...i dunno)...or maybe a bit of both. At least at the moment I'm not feeling so upset and teary. Tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully I won't be paying for today tomorrow.
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