I'm trying really hard to get back on track and do the right things....but I'm so all over the place like a rollercoaster emotionally that I'm having a hard time coping.  All my supports are on vacation now I think...though if tomorrow afternoon is going rough I may call to find out for sure.  I know all them are on vacation for sure next week. 
 
I just realized tonight that I'm still mad at one of my best friends.  I didn't realize it until tonight.  I met up with her ex-husband (well not officially divorced) and her daughter (whom she hasn't seen since Christmas)....and was talking to them.  I said some things to him that I thought was in everyones best interest...and had been debating whether or not to say these things for a couple weeks now...anyway...I did...and realized shortly afterwards that I shouldn't have.  I crossed lines.  I crossed boundaries.  And now I'm realizing that really what is going on is that I'm really mad at my friend...and what she did to her ex-husband and daughter...and I'm still friends with him and their little girl and I don't know how to be in the middle like this.  My heart breaks for the little one.  I miss when they were all together...one happy-ish family...or at least when the illusion was there that they were happy together.  I've been hanging out with this friend of mine a lot more then usual lately (she's the one that was in the hospital when I was there)...and things between us are going well...but after spending time with him and their daughter and the conversation we had I realized what I didn't realize before....I'm angry.  At her!  My best friend.  Right now I love her and I hate her at the same time.  And I'm so confused.  And I hurt him because of it...which potentially hurts their daughter.  I feel like a f*ck up.  I feel like no matter what I do I'm screwed because I'm stuck between the two of them as long as I want to still see their daughter and him.  I don't want that beautiful little girl to lose another person from her life that cares about her.  For now she's already lost her mom.
 
I just want to scream...and I don't know how to handle the emotions I'm feeling right now.  I really want to give in and cut but I know it won't solve anything.  I just want this hurt and anger to stop. I've been having a hard enough time these days without realizing this and I suppose in the end it will be a good thing that I realize this..but without my supports around to talk this out I don't know how to go about things without hurting people I care about. 
 
I want to get away from the benzo's (ativan and clonozepam) but I know tonight is not the night to go without.  I think I'm definitely in need of them tonight especially since tomorrow is an early day and I get to look forward to the dentist.  Yay!  Not that dentists really bother me....but ever since my last experience, because I was going through a rough time emotionally then, it's causing anxiety about this visit.  I'm sure it will go okay though.
 
I think I need to get some water, wind down some, and get ready for bed.  I need my brain to shut off.

Replies

keepingon
keepingon

Sometimes we get angry at real friends just like family. Talk it out with her and ask her forgiveness if it\'s called for, that is what we do with family.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Sounds like you need to forgive yourself sweetie...... we all take turns saying things we shouldn\'t have and it sucks......be gentle with yourself. Sorry the relationship wiht you and your friend is not in a great place at the moment. xo