I'm trying really hard to get back on track and do the right things....but I'm so all over the place like a rollercoaster emotionally that I'm having a hard time coping.  All my supports are on vacation now I think...though if tomorrow afternoon is going rough I may call to find out for sure.  I know all them are on vacation for sure next week. 
 
I just realized tonight that I'm still mad at one of my best friends.  I didn't realize it until tonight.  I met up with her ex-husband (well not officially divorced) and her daughter (whom she hasn't seen since Christmas)....and was talking to them.  I said some things to him that I thought was in everyones best interest...and had been debating whether or not to say these things for a couple weeks now...anyway...I did...and realized shortly afterwards that I shouldn't have.  I crossed lines.  I crossed boundaries.  And now I'm realizing that really what is going on is that I'm really mad at my friend...and what she did to her ex-husband and daughter...and I'm still friends with him and their little girl and I don't know how to be in the middle like this.  My heart breaks for the little one.  I miss when they were all together...one happy-ish family...or at least when the illusion was there that they were happy together.  I've been hanging out with this friend of mine a lot more then usual lately (she's the one that was in the hospital when I was there)...and things between us are going well...but after spending time with him and their daughter and the conversation we had I realized what I didn't realize before....I'm angry.  At her!  My best friend.  Right now I love her and I hate her at the same time.  And I'm so confused.  And I hurt him because of it...which potentially hurts their daughter.  I feel like a f*ck up.  I feel like no matter what I do I'm screwed because I'm stuck between the two of them as long as I want to still see their daughter and him.  I don't want that beautiful little girl to lose another person from her life that cares about her.  For now she's already lost her mom.
 
I just want to scream...and I don't know how to handle the emotions I'm feeling right now.  I really want to give in and cut but I know it won't solve anything.  I just want this hurt and anger to stop. I've been having a hard enough time these days without realizing this and I suppose in the end it will be a good thing that I realize this..but without my supports around to talk this out I don't know how to go about things without hurting people I care about. 
 
I want to get away from the benzo's (ativan and clonozepam) but I know tonight is not the night to go without.  I think I'm definitely in need of them tonight especially since tomorrow is an early day and I get to look forward to the dentist.  Yay!  Not that dentists really bother me....but ever since my last experience, because I was going through a rough time emotionally then, it's causing anxiety about this visit.  I'm sure it will go okay though.
 
I think I need to get some water, wind down some, and get ready for bed.  I need my brain to shut off.