Had a rough night last night.  It was probably the worst I've had in a long time but got through it.  I'm not sure that the 3mg of Ativan is good for me...I'm almost wondering if it's making my anxiety worse.  Besides that I'm not even sleeping straight through the night so it's kinda crazy.  Then I wake up with major anxiety when I do get up.  Oh well...I see my psychiatrist on Friday.  Last night was actually probably more spiritual warfare then anything.   I watched the movie The Notebook last night for the first time and while it was really a great movie it triggered a fear that I have.  My parents are older then most parents of people my age.  I've always, even as a child, not really liked that fact.  Because my parents were older, my grandparents were older and one died before I was born, two of them before 3, and the final one when I was 9 so I never really knew them.  I struggled with that a lot growing up.  Also, I sometimes struggle with the fear that my parents are going to die.  Yes I know they are going to die, but that fear, is one of the things that fed my suicidal thoughts as a teenager.  The fear is sometimes so intense that I feel like killing myself so that I never have to face their death.  I know that sounds really awful.  And I know I really have nothing to be afraid of.  I know when they die they'll be in heaven.  Anyway, something in that movie (if you've seen it, you probably know...if not, I'm not spoiling it because it is a really good movie) triggered that fear last night.  It's been a little closer to the surface the since Christmas Eve when my dad's brother passed away anyway.  There's only two years between him and my dad so it scares me.   Anyway, Satan's just being a big old butthead and things will be okay and when my parents pass, I'll deal with it at the time...it's not something I should live in fear about.  It's not something that should affect me to the point that I'd even consider ending my life as a means to avoid that fear.  When/if the time comes that they do pass God will still be there to help me with the grieving process.  I will still have my faith.  No loss can take that away.   Enough about that. Today I went to an appointment with the nurse at my medical clinic.  My mouth is feeling a little better today but I went anyway and also had my toe (liquid nitrogen) treatment done.  She ended up getting the doctor to come in and look at it (my gums) and because it's red and sore and because of my neutropenia she put me on antibiotics as a precaution.  They had to make sure I didn't have a fever or anything as well because then she would've sent me to the ER.  Thankfully, no fever.  So I'm on penicillin 4x a day for 10 days for a possible infection.  Hopefully it'll do the trick and things will be feeling better soon.  I'm not real happy about being on antibiotics because I know they get rid of the good bacteria too but I'll try to pick up some probiotics in the next few days.  Either that or a ton of yogurt...lol. I got my big package in the mail.  It was like Christmas.  I put in an order at Christanbook.com in December because there was a cd my roommate wanted and I'm always looking for an excuse to put in an order from them because sometimes you can get some amazing prices.  I got 2-3 DVDs, 3 CDs, a few magazine style Bible-like books, a few different books, a magnet, and I think another thing or two for approx $50 including taxes and shipping!  I usually get the one or two things I really really really want at whatever price and then look through their bargain section and pick out a few things that are a dollar or two and I'm always really happy with what I get.  My roommate is super excited about the CD and she's really looking forward to one of the books that came so I said she could read it first.   Anyway, I should go...I'm not sure what I'm doing about sleep tonight...maybe one more night at 3mg...take it soon....then I need to take the antibiotic in about an hour and a half...and then set my alarm to take another one bright and early but will just take it and go back to sleep.  This one is best without food so it works out good that way.  Just keep a glass of water by the bed.  :) Oh...words of advice...don't drop a laptop (even a mini laptop) on your foot....it hurts!  LOL.