I'm just about ready to head to bed since it's technically "tomorrow".  The weather outside is frightful (freezing rain) so bed is a good place to be...curled up under a blanket and if I can't sleep I'll read. Had Rheumatology yesterday and it went well except for she really has no answers for me.  Not a lot has changed since she started seeing me a few years ago, just my white blood count continues to go up and down but always stay lower then "normal".  I show no definite signs of lupus otherwise...every symptom I have can be from the depression...or the depression can be related to the blood work...no way to know.  The only thing they know is that I continue to have a positive ANA and the problems continue with the WBC.  I don't seem to be overly prone to infections and I don't get sick a lot...yes I get the odd times when I'm feeling like I'm fighting something, or I am fighting something, but it goes away (thankfully).  Yes I have muscle and joint aches and pains but never consistantly in the same place and no swelling or redness.  The only real thing she could say is that she is happy to hear a hematologist is going to be seeing me again.  This will be the third one...the first two retired without referring me on to any one else.  She's hopeful this won't happen again.   Anyway, as far as all this goes, the fact I show no definitive signs and don't have the above issues is fantastic.  She said if I was then she would recommend treatment with high dose prednisone but since overall things are stable she wouldn't recommend this and I'm glad.  It's one thing if you need it but I'd much rather not have to go that route if I can avoid it.  So I guess the appointment went well and the good news is I don't have to see her again unless I develop some new symptoms.  One less person to have appointments with but she's keeping my file open so that if I do need to see her I won't have to go through the referral and waiting game again. I stuck around downtown and wandered in and out of some stores and tried to get in the "Christmas" mood but the more I walked the worse I felt so ended up getting on a bus, coming home, and crashing at only 5:30pm.  Was too exhausted to even think about eating until probably 10pm.  Anyway, saw Psychiatrist today and that went alright...I guess.  I cried almost the whole hour but that's how things have been going lately.   Even before I ended up crying she could tell I'm having a harder time.  She knew anyway because I called last week and we increased my meds.  No real noticeable difference yet...just need to give it time.  I also mentioned how frustrated I am with sleep right now and she said that my best option is to keep doing what I'm doing but if I really need to I can take up to 3mg of Ativan at night.  That's usually the only time I use it unless I'm having a lot of anxiety and she knows I don't like to take it more then I have to and that I'm aware of the addictive properties but knows I generally don't have an issue...and that when I'm feeling better I can deal with any withdrawal effects at that time.  There's other meds she'd typically prescribe but because of my issues with my blood count they're not allowed so she said she felt like this was really the best option for now...to stay in the meds in the "pam" family...and to try increasing this one for now.  I've basically worn out all my options for sleep meds by building a tolerance to most of them or having adverse affects to the rest of them.  Ah well.  I think I'm mostly just frustrated and being tired just makes it that much worse. I'm so scared that I won't start feeling better but I"m trying to stay opptimistic.  I'm just I think extra scared because I really want to make it to one year without being admitted to hospital and I'm less then 1 month away from meeting that goal.  Jan 7 2010 will make it one year since I was discharged last.  I also want to stay SI free into the New Year so I think because those milestones are coming up it means they're both on my mind more and makes a little more stressful...catch 22 kinda. I've also been feeling stressed about the holidays.  I had been planning to make everyone's Christmas gifts this year but am not having a lot of luck with it.  I'm still planning on trying to make a few sock snowmen but have decided to start buying some little gifts for people as well...so started that today.  I feel a little better having made that decision...yes I spent a lot of money on supplies for the gifts but life has thrown some curveballs so it's not going to be the end of the world if I have to put that aside.  I can always keep the stuff and make them another year...or make them after Christmas since snowmen are good for the entire winter.  I just have to be a little more careful about how much I spend but I given myself permission to use the credit card if it's needed this month...things are just too stressful and I was so good with not using it last month that I figure being December I'll let myself use it within reason.  I haven't had to yet though.  I did really good with my shopping today since I went to a store that I get a good discount at thanks to my works union (I'm on disability so still eligible for the union discount)...I am SO THANKFUL for that discount...helps me with everything from prescriptions to personal hygeine items to gifts and food.  It's such a blessing.     Anyway, I want to go lay down....and read while I listen to the wind howl.  Will try to catch up soon.