I'm afraid that I'm slipping back into the depression and almost every area of my life is being affected.  The good news is that the thoughts to SI are only fleeting...they don't stick...but everything else feels crummy.   It's 3am, I haven't been to bed yet.  It's too much to even try to lay down because I always toss and turn and right now I need to stay out of my head as much as possible.   I had an appointment with a dietician earlier...that mostly succeeded in making me feel extremely overwhelmed and stupid.  I understand the basics, and logically I KNOW how to prepare meals...but I do it maybe once in a blue moon...I just basically grab whatever is convenient.  The idea of meal planning, getting the groceries needed, and doing the meal prep and then even the baking or whatever is insanely overwhelming to me.  I feel like I might as well be about 5 when it comes to most anything in the kitchen....not to mention it makes me so anxious and scares me.  I ended up spending the majority of the appointment in tears just from feeling so overwhelmed....I don't think she understood just how much even the basics overwhelm me and but at least we still communicated.  In the past it would have been enough for me to shut down...but at least I know I was able to identify feelings of frustration and feelings of being overwhelmed.  I feel like I'm so lazy in the meal area but to be honest I feel like I've never really been taught and I just really feel like I need hands on instruction.  I'm not convinced I'll get it through seeing this person. Anyway, it was an overall nice day weather wise and it was the last day that the Public Gardens were open so I headed in that direction and went in.  While there I ended up calling my Psychologist because I was still so upset from the appointment and was just having a really hard time and he had said anytime I was having a hard time that I could call.  The amazing thing was that he was actually available right away.  I didn't have to wait a couple hours.  Talking to him helped a bit...and just being out and watching the ducks and being in the fresh blustery outdoors probably helped some too.  After the phone call I pulled out my disposible camera and started taking pictures at the Gardens and then at a nearby cemetary.  Still need to take a few more pictures before taking the camera in for developing. I got on the bus shortly after and ended up getting off early and going to one of the bargain stores and then grabbed a bite to eat and ended up at the liquor store.  Probably not the smartest idea in hindsight...but my reasoning for buying some was for a treat.  I haven't drank in awhile and I had the money to pay cash left over from Novembers money so decided what the heck.  I ended up with a huge bottle of some cooler...maybe a Bacardi Breezer I forget....which I drank most of and a bottle of wine which I had some of.  Not so worried about the wine, that is a treat to me....but kinda wishing I didn't get the other. So now I'm a little upset with that too....it's too sweet and just gave me a headache...from the sugar, not the alcohol.  I didn't even get to feel buzzed or get any enjoyment out of it...just near immediate pain.  I think from now on for the most part I will stick to the occassional glass of wine but that's it or maybe a mixed drink depending on what in it...but not the sugary icky coolers.  I get the same sugary overload headachy feeling from just drinking pop or too much juice.  Blah. Anyway...did manage to work on some more Christmas cards since I haven't been quite ready to go to bed...was feeling too anxious to even try.  Writing here has helped some though I think....so I should go and see if I can actually sleep.  Maybe when I wake up I will feel better...but one thing I know...if I'm still struggling with mood being low and being extra teary all the time then I think when I see my Psychiatrist I will get my meds increased temporarily to help me get through the holidays.  I'm so afraid that I'll be in a full out depression by Christmas and I'm so not wanting that.