I'm not really sure what to write right now...I'm not even sure how I feel.  I don't feel happy, I don't feel okay...I feel sad....but in a different way...I don't know how to explain...not sad how I'm usually sad.  I feel depressed but not depressed but feel hope somewhere too but not...I don't know. I do know one thing...I think...I'm sensing change.  I'm not sure exactly what that change is.  Whether it's a move within my current city, or to stay put but take a "vacation" of sorts.  Not really a vacation...but I sense a calling to another city for possibly 1-3 months in the new year...possibly out of province.  Likely it would involve some soul searching, some God seeking, some life lessons...it may mean even staying in a homeless shelter in another city I don't know.  I don't know if it's just in my head of if it's something I'm actually suppose to do...that's why I'm not going to be picking up and going anywhere tomorrow.  I'm going to think about it and pray about it.   I do feel a calling to go to a certain area of Ontario because in many ways their services are better then what is offered here.   When I say "services"...I mean it about so many different things.  Things like mental health services, other medical specialists (I'm thinking in relation to my neutropenia and lupus-like stuff), I'm thinking life-skill support, I'm even thinking church support.  There is more offered there and therefore there is more opportunity there.  I'm going to talk to my specialists over the next month or so here and see if there is any advantage in their opinion to going there.  Of course it's a little complicated because of disability and making sure I don't lose my income.  In some ways, it would be easier to not have that but I am thankful for it...but sometimes wonder if having it is keeping me stuck because I know as long as I am on the long term disability provided through my employer that I'll have a job to go when the specialists say I can return.  It won't be my old job but they will accommodate me somehow.  I really don't know...I know God knows the big picture but I haven't really got a clue and I don't know if I'm hanging on to it because I'm suppose to or to have a safety net because I'm not ready to fully trust Him.  I don't know. Then to add to my current inner chaos I watch My Sister's Keeper today.  Holy wow!  Great movie but it's left me a little unsettled...not necessarily in a bad way...I think maybe even in a good way...it's sad...very sad.  I'm just a big ball of confussion right now but I feel like when the confussion lifts things will be different.   A new chapter is being written....a new dream is being dreamt.  Sometimes not knowing what's ahead is the hardest part of moving forward.