Getting ready to head to bed as I am exhausted but wanted to stop in long enough to write an update. Yesterday I sent another email to my roommate apologizing for my behavior the last while and sent a copy of yesterdays journal entry and a devotional that I read yesterday after I wrote the entry. She thanked me. Today I came back to my apartment since I had a medical appointment with my doctor. Things are okay...sorta. We went over all my bloodwork for the last few weeks and as usually my neutrophils are all over the place (always low) but thankfully they are back above panic level. ANA was positive as it always is and for the first time the Rheumatoid Factor (I think that's what it was called) came back positive. My doctor was relieved to hear that I have an appointment with Hematology in December as well as one with Rheumatology that same week. Thankfully one other thing she said is that I can do my bloodwork every second week now instead of every week. I'm glad things are out of "panic" level because I really do think knowing they had dropped so low contributed to the drop in mood that I've had along with some other factors and now that's one less thing to be really stressed about...I don't have to worry quite so much about being around people at the mall or on the bus and can treat a fever from home without an immediate trip to the ER....not that I had to do that before since I didn't end up having a fever but it's just a little easier knowing that if I have a fever or get sick I can try to treat from home first. I'm still struggling with the depressed moods...not anything like last year...but still I know it's the depression. I don't really get many urges to cut or od and I'm not suicidal but I do often feel like the world would be better without me, or I wish I could crawl under the covers and stay there, or that the world would swallow me up. Those kind of thoughts. And I feel heavy and cry a lot. Also nighttime and sleep is a real struggle right now as I'm finding I'm having anxiety at night if I can't sleep and then I get teary and upset. My mom and cousin talked me into going to a movie at the IMAX tomorrow even though I can't really afford it I am going anyway. The ticket is already paid for I just owe the money to mom because I rarely go to the movies and it will be good to get out and do something fun. Besides the theatre is right near were I have to go to pick up some supplies for the Christmas gift crafts I'm working on. Supposedly someone is coming to the apartment tomorrow to fix the heat as well. I hope so...it's actually cold in here today. Can't win in this apartment...but I am at least enjoying the cold because I can curl up under a blanket and enjoy a cuppa tea instead of melting. Anyway, I'm yawning like crazy so I'm going to go take advantage of this tiredness and go head to bed...even though it's not even 10:30pm yet.