I'm not doing well at all.  I can feel the depression pushing in on all sides of me trying to drown me and I'm getting too tired to fight it.   Last night I blew up for no reason.  I got so angry and in rage that I thought I was going to physically hurt my roommate.  I couldn't even talk I just ended up having to get out at like 10pm and going for a walk.  Took a couple ativan while I was out but still took a long time to calm down.  Eventually went back to the apartment and took a valerian and tried to keep distracted but could so took another valerian and fell asleep on the couch.   Thing is I feel like I could so easily get to that point again and it scares me.  I don't know why I'm feeling this way right now but when I feel like this and start worrying that I'm going to hurt others it makes me think I should kill myself so that I can't hurt anyone else.  I know it's twisted up thinking but right now I can't seem to convince myself otherwise. I already tried going for another walk today.  My roommate and I made up and she's okay about things.  So why do I still feel so horrible.   I thought maybe the flu shot had something to do with it so I called the pharmasist to ask if that can increase psychiatric issues....she doesn't think it's likely from that.  I don't know what else it could be.   I don't want to feel like this.  I don't want to feel like I'm falling into the depression stuff again.  I'm trying to look at positives but I just ache with heaviness and nothing I do lightens it....not even praying has been helping.