sorry about the last entry... i think right now and for the past couple weeks I've just been balancing on the brink...I've been good, but just so much going on and so much to do and I think maybe it's taking it's toll on me...because the stupidest little things are setting me off.   I ended up crying hysterically for a couple hours and nearly gave into the cutting urge, but didn't...a dose of ativan helped slightly...enough so that i could pull myself together enough to leave the apartment and instead of going to the mall which was the closest place to go to do my errands I walked further (needed to burn some fuel)...don't even remember part of the walk...I remember thinking I should be coming to a certain intersection soon, look up, and I've already gone past it and was like wtf....anyway I wasn't in a good space but things had to be done so I had to do them.  I got my eye makeup, same kind as what the bride got and got the allergy meds I need for while I'm there.  I get a discount on them at a store here, not there...so needed to stock up.  So I got all that done plus went to the bank and go the money I owe to my roommate for bills and then still needed to walk so I walked a long way and did some shopping at Liquidation World.  Mostly the things I picked up were things I needed....or can use for this trip.  A few things were things for the apartment (cleaning supplies), and some necessary personal care products such as toothbrushes for .67 and they actually work really well.  Shopping was actually what got me feeling the most calmed down.  I still feel weird and out of body or far away or something...but maybe that's just a side effect that I've forgotten about from the ativan or just from the amount of walking I did.  A good 2.5 hours anyway. I'm okay...I just seem to be a bit all over the place and while mostly doing alright it seems I'm teetering a bit.  I dunno.  I think that when I go away things will be better...still stressful, but in a different way and the change of environment will do me well.