I'm not feeling so good mentally today.  I just had a meeting with my occupational therapist and I know she meant well and wants the best for me but today's meeting forced me to confront some things that I've been trying for awhile now to not confront.   Money.  I hate it and even more I hate how much power it has over my life and how happy or how stressed I am at the time.  For the past couple months I've been living pretending that money isn't an issue and just trying to enjoy each day...not have to worry about if I spend $2 on a iced cappuccino or a koolaid slushie.  Or if I use a bus ticket.  I've been just working on getting out most days and now the whole budget thing comes up to bite me again.  I'm forced to face it.  I knew it would happen sooner or later...I was just hoping it would be later.  Like...October or something. I just want to enjoy things now.  I hate that I'm 27 and can't go to the movies, or out for a coffee, or even on a day trip with friends because I don't have 2 cents to my name.  I hate that I've been living this way since I was 19/20.  Money, or lack of it, is one of the reasons I struggle as much as I do.  If I had freedom to do just a little bit more, get out a little bit more, not have to worry then I'm sure I'd be at least a little less depressed.  And so for the past couple months I've been trying to live as if it wasn't an issue.  Get out, enjoy things (within reason), shop for discounted items (hey at least it's not full price), have the occassional slushie.  I've been refusing to look at my budget/bank statement except when I absolutely have to...to pay bills and things.  Thing is, after I pay bills, I'm lucky if I have $20 a month to cover meds, groceries, and fun things.  So really, no money for fun or food.  That's my reality.  I can't live like that and be happy....so I just been trying to do the best I can.  But in the end that's just going to cause me more stress...so the question is...stress now or stress later?!!!?   Stress NOW or stress LATER....  Stress now and isolate and stay home and do nothing....OR.....stress later, usually higher stress (near crisis point), but at least get out and enjoy things some in the mean time.  I've been trying to lean to the stress later...but I don't know if this level of stress is worth it.  Really.  I feel like cutting over this.  I feel like killing myself over this...and I know that is totally stupid and irrational thinking...but it's just like, wtf is the point.   I hate money.  I hate it!  I hate that in this society we need so much of it to have a good time.  It's getting harder and harder to find free things to do.  I've always said I'd rather have less money and be happy...but the problem right now is...I have less money and I'm not happy.  I feel stuck, trapped, and I hate living this way.   Don't get me wrong, I know God will provide the necessities...He always does.  I just wish I had a little more financial freedom to do things that people my age get to do.  Go to the movies (like more then once or twice a year)...get a decent professional haircut or manicure.  Go for coffee or out to lunch or supper.  I can't even both renting movies from the library anymore because I can't afford to take them back on time and then I end up paying late fees....so a free rental ends up becoming $3+ and I just don't have it. I'm suppose to be working on a list of 5 things I've made progress on in the last few months.  And yes, I know I have made progress and I'm happy about that.  But this money thing is really stressing me out and making it hard for me to concentrate on anything else.   I've been crying for over an hour...yes I know...totally irratioinal...and I can't seem to get myself to stop.  I'm pms'ing to so I'm sure that's not helping any.   I just don't know how to make the best of both worlds right now.  How can I still go out and have fun and not spend a cent.  Yes, sometimes I can.  Like when my sister and I took Jaxon to the park with a picnic lunch...and we plan to do that again.  But that's one of the rare things that we can do around here that is free.  Most things involve at the very least, bus fare.   And when you're on limited low income it's sometimes hard to justify spending even $2-4 to go somewhere and back again.