3am and i'm still awake...i'm scared to go to my room, which is were I always give into the cutting urges... i figure i gave in last night what's the point in even fighting it but i know i don't want to do it...i just can't stop thinking about it if i don't...i can't win i been drinking tonight hoping i can escape a little but even that didn't work.  i drank some wine and then 1L of smirnoff ice.  I don't even feel like it's had an effect on me other then to make me feel extremely full...like I just ate too much candy halloween night or too much turkey dinner at Christmas... *sigh* i don't want to write depressing entries...I know this journal is for me but I don't want to bring anyone down or make anyone feel bad... I feel how I feel...I wish I didn't... I wish I could write all happy and cheery and pretend like everythings all perfect but it's not...yet i don't even know what is so wrong that makes me feel this way...i don't know...and i don't know how to stop this from being a part of me... just want it to stop