I had a busy day today.  I got up at around 10:30am...not bad considering it was around 4 or 5am when I fell asleep.  Got up and got ready and went to my doctor's appointment.  Odd I know...it's Sunday...but that's what they scheduled me for.  My doctor thinks that the problems I may be having with the reflux...are maybe not so much reflux but maybe gall stones.  Uggh.  Oh well...I've already got the ultrasound booked for next month for the enlarged spleen they found a few months ago and she is relieved I have that appointment coming.  She also gave instruction that if there was any more vomiting, fever, or pain to go to the ER.  All things I know to do anyway.  My wbc is low but stable so no major worries there although the last few times I've had my cbc done it has shown that my platelets are a little bit high but she said not enough to be concerned about.  Also had the liquid nitrogen treatment done on my toe since I can't see the dermatologist until September.  And she said my other things that are going on are problems partially from the increased Prozac and probably post nasal drip as well which both are contributing to the head pressure and things.  So much medical stuff going on but otherwise things in that department are okay.   I did a lot of walking today and got my nephew his gift for his 18th birthday which is on Tuesday.  Holy cow, where does the time go?!  I can't believe he is going to be 18....I was 9 when he was born...I still feel like I'm the one who's turning 18, although thankfully I'm not...I don't want to repeat those years for anything.  lol Mentally I'm feeling depressed and drained.  I'm trying to fight it.  It was good to be out in the sun today although being in the stores was hard and when I didn't have anyone talking to me on my cell phone I felt paranoid.  I can't wait until the day when I can go on a walk by myself and not need the phone and not be in crisis or at risk of doing anything stupid.  A lot of it is negative associations that have developed over the years and I'm just going to have to face it.  But right now I just don't trust myself to.  I'm not worried when it comes to the old habits of overdosing.  I have no desire to do that.  But for cutting, burning, smoking, drinking, gambling, and random trips to unsafe areas running from myself are the things I worry about.  I don't have huge problems with smoking or gambling....although I still have urges for both and drinking isn't always a huge issue...but it can easily be an issue for me if I'm not careful.  Obviously the cutting and burning are both big issues.  The cutting especially...especially since the last few times I did I went so deep.  And those are the urges that are bothering me the most.  They are what I'm struggling with the most these days.  To the point I just want to crawl in bed and sleep my existence away. I'm looking into some healthier options but truly honestly I don't know what will help.  I just know something has to at some point.  I'm determined to not let this be a battle that I have for my whole life. Oh, if you're looking for a happy movie, don't watch Revelotionary Road.  I won't give things away but I will say there's a lot of emotion and a lot of fighting and arguing.  I found it a bit triggering. My roommate made supper for myself and a friend today and it was ready when I got back home from being out.  It was a nice treat.   Tomorrow I see my rheumatologist.  I'm figuring it will probably be the last appointment I have with her unless anything else develops in the future.  But for now my family doctor can do the monitoring as well as she can.  I don't think there's any real need to keep going back unless she has some other ideas.