I'm having a hard time fighting of the thoughts and the depression that is threatening to consume me and my every move. I'm looking for inpiration and holding out hope that this won't always be a struggle. I don't think I'm even admitting to myself quite how much I am struggling right now. I don't want to acknowledge the pain and fear and darkness that I feel. I want to push it away and pretend everything is alright. I want to be happy and free from these chains. But in my attempts to find freedom and light, maybe I am adding more chains and darkness. I'm doing things I wouldn't normally do. And I am feeling in ways I don't normally feel. The feelings of fizziness and buzzing inside me, much like the carbonated bubbles in a bottle of soda, while it felt neat for awhile when it was accompanied by large doses of energy is leaving me feeling mostly nausea's now that the energy surge has dissappeared. I feel far away and foggy and more paranoid then usual but am trying to fight it with logic. Knowing that what I'm thinking and feeling isn't necessarily what is real. I force myself to put on a smile and appear confident when inside I'm crumbling and ready to scream at the slightest noise or movement. I want to cry, I want to drink, I want to run, I want to cut. I want my damn security blanket (cutting) more then I have in a long time...it's what I find comforting. But I also remember how I wrote that it no longer serves that purpose for me. It doesn't really bring me comfort that I long for. It's a false comfort, a very temporary one...not the comfort I am seeking. I have been giving into the urges to drink. It's just right now is the lesser of the evils. It's not much of a comfort either. But it does give me a break from the depression that swirling around me like a whirlpool...threatening to suck me in. I wish I could write a happier, more positive entry. I'm trying to find positivity despite the despair. And I do see little glimmers here and there in this entry. I know God is with me but I feel so far away and am having a hard time feeling any connection there. I am however reading a book that may...or may not...help. It's called The Shack. I've been reading lately...instead of running. If I can get into the book enough then at least for a little while I can escape from my world and enter another one.