I'm not really sure right now how I feel....I know one thing though...the fact I have the no cut/burn goal here and am just over a month from reaching the goal is the only thing right now keeping me from giving in.  Part of me is like, well you already made it longer then the last few times so it's okay to give in now.  And the other part of me is like no, you made it this far, don't give into that stuff again.  Ultimately it's not something I want in my life...it makes me feel better only for a few minutes before reality sets in again and in the long run I feel worse...so it's not really worth it.  But those few minutes...those few minutes are such relief.  It feels good, it feels amazing, it feels right.  I know that sounds so odd.  When other friends tell me they want to self-harm in some way it makes me shudder and think why would you ever want to do that....and then reality hits and reminds me that's exactly what I do.  It's my thrill.  It's my rush.  It's what gives me relief, even if only for a minute.  I don't agree with it, I don't like it, but that is my reality....and it's been 143 days since the last time I gave in.  I don't know how much longer I can make it....if I'll even make it the full 6 months...but I'm so close now that I have to at least try.  I know I feel a little worse right now because of hormones and I think I'm crashing a little after going through a hypomania phase triggered by the increased dose of the prozac....and I'm plain ol' tired of the weird sensations and feelings that I'm getting from it now even though at first they felt kinda funny and neat...and I didn't sleep well last night because I stayed up until after 4am to finish the book I was reading.  And I'm sad because I haven't been able to sit down and really focus on stuff that I really enjoy (other then computer and electonics)...like artsy stuff.  I don't even know what I like...I just know I miss being artistic.  And I'm sad because I was watching the IWK telethon (local children's and women's hospital fundraiser event) which I watch every year...and support fully (although this year I can't financially) and it's really making me sad that I'm not able to work and that it's probably going to be awhile again before I can work and seeing kids that I've met (even though they are doing well)...it just makes me sad and happy and all these different emotions that I just don't know how to cope with at the moment.  I know I'm not coping as well as I should be....I'm drinking...but there's not enough to do much (if any damage...1/2 bottle of wine)...it needed to be used up anyway.  Yes, I know this is a whiney complaining entry...I don't mean it to be...I just need to vent a little.  There's so much I should be happy about and am trying to think of the postives but it sure as heck isn't easy.  I just want to feel that few minutes of relief...I miss it.  I wish I knew a healthy way to get the same feeling.  I think I'm going to take a dose of benedryl and go to bed...it's safer if I can just sleep.  At least then I'm not fighting the urges.