It's all happeneing again.  I'm trying to stop it and think positive and to remind myself that this is temporary but it's not helping.  I'm trying to look to God and all the things that bring me joy and happiness.  I am so afraid right now though that I'm going to end up back in the hospital.  I can't keep going through this every month. I can't handle this.  I left messages with both my psychiatrist and my mental health nurse to call me as soon as they are able.  I hope they will...otherwise I don't know to face this weekend.  All these thoughts and urges are too much for me.  They overpower me so quick.  I ended up taking 2mg of Ativan to wind down last night and it barely made a difference.  I don't even want to be taking that crap anymore.  I hate it.  I just didn't know what else to do.  I thought I was going to cut or overdose so I didn't have much choice.  I'm sorry...I'm trying so hard to stay happy and positive and strong and I guess right now it's not meant to be.  I feel horrible and I'm really struggling with my thoughts right now.  Please pray for me if you are someone who prays.  I don't have it in me to keep fighting this every month.