Almost 4am but I am winding down for bed.  Since my last entry I managed to sleep a few hours in the morning and woke up around noon or 1pm...still upset but manageable.  Forced myself to eat some homemade bread with butter and ginger jelly on it and took my meds.  Fiddled around with trying to do one of the swaps I'm trying to do.  Can't focus enough to get far into it but I'm gonna have to keep plugging away...gotta love deadlines...especially when things have to be mailed (as in snail mail).  Been in a fog most of the day.  Decided not to take a complete break from Second Life however I've made some more changes to people on my friends lists due to their associations with the person the incident was with yesterday.  Decided staying away completely would be unfair to the few people who I do truly consider friends on there.  And those are the people I will stay on for.  I can count them on one hand, but if there was only one I'd still stay.  I'm choosing not to attend any events on the sim that most people I know hang out on and for now I'm only going limited places and not accepting requests to join people in different locations unless i know what the place is first.  This I'm just doing right now while I try to minimize triggers as much as possible since it seems most anything can set me off these days.  Anyway...enough talk about that.  I was able to talk to someone to today who was supportive and overall I do feel better although mentally I feel really depressed and foggy.  Physically I'm still struggling with things...mostly today is my back.  I'm still wanting to blame it on the mattresses at the hospital but I don't know.  I gave in today and took ibuprofen because I could barely move.  My lower back (back and pelvic area) from about the belly button region down feels bruised to touch and also feels kind of like it does when I have bad period pain...except I'm not on my period.  That ended when I was in the hospital.  My upper back hurts but that's nothing new...that I blame on my poor posture.  So I can't complain about that...it's my own doing.  But the lower back..I know it's nothing compared to what a lot of people feel...but it's bad enough for me...for those of you reading with back pain...I wish I could make your pain go away.  Pain in the back is not fun and I can't even imagine the severe back pain...and how anyone copes with it...you who do amaze me.  I've got heat on mine now.  Still trying to get on track with the eating...my roommate or her friend made oreo peanut butter cheesecake so I had some of that...for supper.  I know, not healthy...and to be honest...I didn't really enjoy it.  But then I'm not really enjoying any food much right now.  It took me 2 hours to eat a serving of it.  But I did eat a bunch of grapes afterwards to try to make up for it. Didn't get the errands done today that I planned.  Between the daze from the depression and the pain I didn't really get outta bed much.  I actually fell asleep again for a few hours in the evening.  And it's nearing for now and I might be able to sleep again soon *fingers crossed*.  It would be good if I can.  Don't know which way I should be trying to shift the sleep.  If I'm sleeping morning hours and evening hours I don't know if it's better to try to stay awake later (more of an all nighter) and end up konking out in for the afternoon for a few days...or continue to sleep when I fall asleep in the am hours and somehow manage to force the eyes to stay open again in the evening.  *shrugs*  Seems when I do manage that I end up the whole night anyway..catch 22. I talked to mom today and I think i might've talked to one of my sisters.  Gosh, that's horrible...I can't even remember.  Well, that's not very exciting...but then none of this really is.  Heard we're suppose to get a storm later today which normally I love but right now I don't really care either way, just hoping we don't get rain.  Hoping to have some ambition to get something accomplished...either the swap or some cleaning or for that matter even watching a movie.  Anything for a change.   Been trying to research mental health facilities (preferably Christian based) that deal with my kind of symptoms.  I need to try something different to what I am now and I want to change.  As far as I can tell though...there is nothing.  Not just nothing in my area, nothing in my province, and not really looking like anything in Canada.  At least if your not already living in the area.  So either there aren't any, or God is closing that door for me altogether by not showing me any options.  There is one option but it would involve going to the US and as much as I'd love to get away...I have no way of financing that...plus with my physical health things ongoing my likely hood of acceptance is low since it's not really a medical facility.  I am planning on a trip to Ontario though at the end of Feb to see one of my friends.  They said they would pay my airfare so if that's the case I will go.  I'm leaving it up to them though.  I know I'm a lot to deal with and may not be completely stable by then.  I've been as honest as I can about how things have been going and that I've been in and out of hospital.  And that I'm struggling with things.  They know more or less my history...her and I went to high school together. Well, I was hoping to make this entry a little more positive...but I am doing the best I can.  I know it's not real great.  But that said I know it's not my worst either.  Going to try to get some sleep soon.