Almost 5am and I'm wide awake, partially because I slept most of the evening, which I mentioned previously...and partially because I'm really mad, upset, hurt...I don't even know the right word. Was hanging out on SecondLife with my therapist/friend and she was showing me some different area's that I hadn't been to before.  Most of them were pretty cool.  But there was one that really upset me so I left.  It was kind of place that I go to when I'm not wanting to get on track mentally or spiritually...it's the type of place I go when I'm feeling really rebellious...and in her defence she doesn't know that.  Also, I know a lot of people don't have issues with the type of area, and I've been to worse (yes I admit) areas..but when I'm trying to get on track it is a huge huge trigger.  And it really freaked me out that she would even think that was a good environment to get me to go to.  Though I know and appreciate some people don't have problems with these areas and she is not a mind reader.  Then a little later on she did apologize and say she didn't realize it would offend me...and my response quite awhile after she said that was "well it did offend me".  She said go to bed, which came across as demeaning to me but I tried to bite my tongue so all I said was "I can't, but I'll stop bothering you".  I'm paraphrasing the best I can off memory.  Her response, this is not paraphrased, this is quote "stop being so fucken dramatic" at which point I lost it....said something like thanks, thanks a lot, fuck you too.  I'm sorry but when she swore at me that was way over the line...especially since she is suppose to my therapist and a christian therapist at that.  Anyway...that was the end of that.  I am not dealing with that and have decided that although she has been supportive in the past...I can not see her anymore as my therapist or a friend.  I removed her from my friend list and for the time being have muted her which basically means she can't contact me as easily on SL.  I'm also considering taking another break from SL because as tonight proves I'm too much for people to deal with and I don't want to be putting more stress on people nor do I want to subject myself to more stress.  Got enough right now thank you.   This happened an hour or more ago now.  I got so upset and then worried about my heart rate so ended up taking two ativan...and I still can't wind down.  I checked it and it's up again...but I know it's largely because I'm upset.  I've also turned the light off and am laying on my bed.  I would shut the computer off but right now my mind would go overtime and I can't deal with that right now.  UGGHHHH!!!  I'm just so frustrated.  I hate the way my mind works.  I know that instinctively I want to blame myself for things tonight, blame myself for being too "dramatic", being a horrible person, being too emtional, etc, etc....but I am going to try my best not to let that mind set take over.  I have issues yes, I've gone overboard too much yes, but I'm not a horrible person and I am not doing any of the things I do to intentially be dramatic or attention seeking.  I am open yes....but not in a way that I am intentionally looking for attention.  Maybe I should just bottle things up again...no...because that wouldn't help either and that would be unhealthy.  I maybe need to be more selective about what I say to who...I know that...I'm trying to do that.  Just never thought it would be an issue with my therapist.  I guess that's were things differ from me and the "normal" human mind.  Once I know someone in a certain light (in this case as a therapist) it's very hard for me to see them as a regular person though I try really hard to because I know that's one of the traits with borderline personality disorder.  I don't want to be my diagnosis (doing a lousy job at proving that lately I know) so if it tells me that people with borderline personality tend to think such a way...I try hard to think the opposite.  It doesn't always work but I am trying.   I feel weird now.  I know the ativan is having some effect.  But it's not to the extent I need it to be.  I feel calm in most of my body, but inside I feel a rage like a tornado or something just waiting to devour whatever sets me off next.  My head is also still upset and my thoughts are going too fast.  I know not everything is solved with mediccation.  I don't want to be all medicated up.  But I don't want to feel on edge so much and I really don't want to be triggered again because I don't want to do anything stupid to myself.  I hate impulsivity sometimes...especially sometimes when you don't realize what's happened until after it's happened.  I don't want to chance getting to the point I'm upset enough for that to happen.  I don't want to od or cut or even burn...even though right now I feel like burning.  I'm still not updating the goal.  I may change how I do the updates...do once a week or something like I used to when I first started, just takes a little more effort to figure out. I'm not really sure what else to write about...it's 5:30am now.  There's so much in my head but not that I need to journal about.