Trying to think positive but really not doing well at that at all.  I'm in so much pain physically now and mentally I can't get my mind to shut off because of all the worries of the physical crap.  I know I need to calm down but been trying that route for over a day now and it's getting more out of control.  Finally decided because of the physical stuff and because of my mental health state right now, that I either need to try to see my regular physician, go the ER, or chances are I'll end up in another full blown crisis probably before the weekend is over.  I don't like any of those options really.  Figured I'd start with the first one.  So that's what I'm doing.  I put in a call to my physician...had a hard time with her reception but broke down on the phone and she decided to ask the doctor if it was okay to fit me in.  She didn't want to even do that at first...she asked if I was sick...as in meaning like cold, flu, etc.  No I don't have anything like that but my gut tells me I need to be seen today, that waiting until Tuesday is not an option at this point.  I feel like I'm being so dramatic and such a pain and a hypochondriac but I been trying to tell myself since I got outta the hospital everything will be okay until Tuesday and everything is feeling worse. I know I need to do this if for nothing else at least to try to reasure my brain that yes everything will be okay and avoid a full out crisis in the meantime.   My heart rate has still been reading quite high.  It started this while I was in the hospital.  Always over 100 beats...one reading was actually over 160 but I was upset when I took that one.  I'm doing everything they told me to do while I was in the hospital to try to keep it down but it's not really doing the trick.  After that high reading decided to take an ativan to calm down...I wasn't feeling anxious...just upset...but I know that's another thing they were doing when I was in the hospital when it was high.  I know that anxiety is the first thing they blame with me.  Actually 30 min after taking the ativan and sitting still it's still over 130.  I just literally took it now, the blood pressure and pulse, not the ativan. 2nd thing is my lower back is cause me a lot of pain.  I know she probably can't do anything about this...so I'm not really gonna say much on that topic.  But it hurts no matter how I lay, stand, sit.  Actually today it's not just my back but my sides (pelvic area) as well....kinda feels like pressure or something right now. 3rd, not sure if I mentioned in previous entry was that in hospital they asked if I ever been told I have an enlarged spleen but refused to say anything else about it.  I thought I could handle waiting until Tuesday's appointment but I'm sorry the way my mind is right now you shouldn't mention that kind of stuff to me unless you're going to explain it or make some sort of recommendations or something.   I'm working hard on trying to bring my appetite back up and fluid intake.  I'm not having any coffee or chocolate (except for a few small pieces of a chocolate bar mom didn't finish...that was yesterday).  Been trying to do this despite the fact food makes me feel like throwing up and yesterday I was on the toilet a few times too many with the runs.  Food is not liking me right now...or my body isn't liking food...or something.  In fact...that started before I even put food into me yesterday.  Since the weekend I've lost around 10lbs...though now that I'm starting to get some foods and water into me I'm sure some of it's come back.  Anyway, I have all this crap going on in my head...oh plus the genetics bloodwork testing that I still need to get the requisition form for...was planning to wait until Tuesday but will probably get the form today.  Hopefully will have time after the appointment since the blood clinic is there to get the bloodwork done as well.  I'd go before hand but I have a suspicion she may want to add on some other tests because of all that's going on...so would rather not go twice if I can help it.  Not to mention every second thing that goes on around here sets me off into a crying fit.  But I'm not as worried about that....excpet if it's contributing to things physically.  Just trying to relax but as you can probably tell from reading I'm having issues with that department and I can't lie around any more.  It hurts too much and I'm too scared to take anything for it.  All I have is tylenol, which is what I od'd on....and ibuprofen which is hard on the tummy especially since I'm having issues with getting much food into me. Today is day 2 of the prozac but I don't feel that is causing any of todays issues.  Most of them started while in hospital and prior to even taking the first dose of it yesterday.   Anyway...I wrote enough...my heads just not dealing well with all the waiting that has to be done in the medical field. I'm sure I'm okay overall and things probably could wait under normal circumstances but right now...I'm not under normal circumstances.