i want to give up so fucken bad right now.  i took 2 ativan (2 mg) and 2 klonopin (.5 mg) to try to calm down and neither one is doing anything.  I want to fucken yell, kick, scream, I want to cut, burn, bleed, I want to shread myself from the top of my head to the tips of my toes.  I want to play rounds of gunfire into me as if i was the bullseye.  I want to hang my horrid self from the branches of a tree, kick out the ladder so that it suffocates me.  I want to od on something that would actually do the job, and not leave me feeling like a helpless sob.  Good God, why can't you just take me home.  Or maybe I'm destined to hell after all.  Either way.  Send me off this earth.  I can't do this, it just hurts.  Way way to much.  The pain in my body from trying not to give in is enough to send some people to the floor crying in pain. It amazes me how much the thoughts in my head can actually hurt my body.,..without even any action being taken.  Giving in and cutting and burning hurts less and reliefs the pressure of the urges.  What the fuck is wrong with this screwed up chick writing this pathetic little journal entry?  I'll stop wasting space on here.  I gotta go for now.  Find something to amuse myself with.  Because this lame ass attempt at a journal, however creatively written...is not doing the trick.  God I'm so sick.