nearly 4am and i haven't slept yet...depression group was rough....really rough...i came home wanting to kill myself...well...those were the thoughts in my head...they're not so much there now.  It just wasn't a good night to be there.  Too much intensity...and not even on emotions...but they got talking about LTD (long term disability) and all the legalities and this and that and lawyers and things workplaces can and can't do and try to do...and omg it was just too much.  I'm trying not to think of LTD these days..I have an assessment coming up within a few months to determine whether I'm fit to work any job...I know (with the exception of the last few months) that once things stabalize I will be able to work....but nothing works out timewise for me.  I don't know.  It's a stressor that I'm trying not to think about until the time comes. anyway...thankfully when i got home and online my therapist was on and she did have a good reason for missing...and I knew it would be.  She was able to meet for a little bit and I needed it more after group then I did before anyway.   Anyhow...writing here right now when I should be asleep and thinking about everything that went on yesterday and last night is only doing one thing....keeping me up and getting my anxiety to creep up again.  I am definitely going to have to call my psychiatrist and work something out with the anti-anxiety meds for the holidays.  In total today I've used 1.25 mg (not all at once) of the clonazepam and 30mg of the oxazepam...and my anxiety is bad enough I'm debating an ativan so I can hopefully tip the scales and sleep.  I didn't think I'd have anymore anxiety but aparently we're not done with that demon yet.