it's after 4am and i haven't slept yet...i feel tired but not anymore so then i have been all day...i feel i could stay up another 12 hours if i had to...i don't want to...and i probably won't...but i could.  i don't feel depressed like usual...sure i am isolating, hiding in my room, staying in bed, barely eating, and not finding pleasure in the usual things I do...hmmm...sounds like depression...and i know i don't feel good...but is it depression?  I don't know.  I don't know if I care to know.  I have an appointment later today with my psychiatrist...i can't see that I'll be staying on the manerix.  The decreased dose obviously got rid of the anxiety...but it's brought me back to non-functional.  I do get intense feelings of aggitation and wanting to strangle people or various other evil things....and I feel like picking fights with anyone I talk to...which is why I'm not talking to many people...and those I do I am trying hard to bite my tongue.  My online therapist, bless her, has been so unbelieveably tolerant of me as have a select few other people.  I'm trying to listen and be there for others as well, trying to stay out of my head as much as I can.  It's not working so well. I did attempt to attend an online church service tonight...I know it would of been good.  I was thre all of 5 minutes and I felt so evil and aggitated and had to leave.  I know there's demons got a hold on me and I know that only God can overcome them....but for fucks sake I can't deal with the process at the moment.  So I don't know how it's suppose to happen.  I guess whenever I decide to give it over to God AGAIN....I dunno.  I just feel I been there and done that so many times what's the point.  Like really what's the point.  It doesn't make things any easier or less unbearable....at least not in my experience. Someone made the mistake of asking me earlier if I wanted to vent...that was right at my worst moment...and vent I did.  I wish I had copied and pasted it here.  But basically it was something about being angry or frustrated that I can't pull myself together to be there for my family and enjoy Christmas and the holidays...it's 9 days...9 days...and I can't get a grip...and there's people my family knows dying in the war just the last few days and I can't help but be here and trying to figure out the best way to rid the planet of me...and how selfish I am...I dunno...I don't remember all the words but I know I wrote it nasty.   I'm rather calm and whatever at the moment...I think i could be lying on the traintracks with a train coming towards me and i'd probably just lay there....and be like yeah whatever.  This is first time I think since 2002 that I have been this low around the holidays.  And I just don't know how to snap out of it and I don't know if I even have it in me to try anymore.  But I keep writing...cause I gotta do something.  Having a laptop I think is the only thing keeping me from 100% isolating right now...and helping me keep some sanity. Well...I feel as I could write nothing all day...so I'll end it here.  I should attempt sleep seeing as it's nearing the 5am mark.   Hmmm...whatever.  Oh...one last thing...I mentioned in a previous entry the dreams of rooms leaking..and relating it to the insane weather we've been having.  I'm not one to follow dream meanings much...but I wonder how much truth is in this one... Leak To see a leak in your dream, signifies great loss and distress for you. You are wasting your energy on fruitless endeavors. Alternatively, the dream may indicate some repressed feelings emerging from your unconscious.  Rain To dream that you get wet from the rain, signifies that you will soon be cleansed from your troubles and problems. Rain also symbolizes fertility and renewal. To see and hear rain falling, symbolizes forgiveness and grace. Falling rain may be a metaphor for tears , crying and sadness. To dream that you are watching the rain from a window, indicates that spiritual ideas and insights are being brought to you awareness. It may also symbolize fortune and love. To hear the tapping of the rain on the roof, denotes spiritual ideas and blessings coming to mind. It may also suggests that you will receive much joy from your home life. Water To see water in your dream, symbolizes your unconscious and your emotional state of mind. Water is the living essence of the psyche and the flow of life energy.  It is also symbolic of spirituality, knowledge, healing and refreshment. To dream that water is boiling, suggests that you are expressing some emotional turmoil. It also may mean that feelings from your unconscious are surfacing and ready to be acknowledged. You need to let out some steam.  To see calm, clear water in your dream, signifies that you are in tune with your spirituality. It denotes serenity, peace of mind, and rejuvenation. To see muddy or dirty water in your dream, indicates that you are wallowing in your negative emotions. You may need to devote some time to clarify your mind and find internal peace. Alternatively, it suggests that your thinking/judgment is unclear and clouded. If you are immersed in muddy water, then it indicates that you are in over your head in a situation and are overwhelmed by your emotions. To dream that water is rising up in your house, signifies your struggles and overwhelming emotions. To hear running water in your dream, denotes meditation, reflection and pondering of your thoughts and emotions.  To dream that you are walking on water, suggests that you have supreme and ultimate control over your emotions. It may also suggest that you need to "stay on top" of your emotions and not let them explode out of hand. Alternatively, it is symbolic of faith in yourself. Roof To see a roof in your dream, symbolizes a barrier between two states of consciousness. It represents a protection of your consciousness, mentality, and beliefs. The dream is an overview of how you see yourself and who you think you are. To dream that you are on a roof, symbolizes boundless success. If you fall off the roof, then it suggests that you do not have a firm grip and solid foundation on your advanced position. If you are re-roofing in your dream, then it suggests that you need to raise your goals. You need to set your sights higher.   To dream that the roof is leaking, represents distractions, annoyances, and unwanted influences in your life. It may also indicate that new information will slowly dawn on you. Something is finally getting through to you. Alternatively, perhaps someone is imposing and intruding their thoughts and opinions on you. To dream that the roof is falling in, indicates that you high ideals are crashing down on you. Perhaps you are unable to live up to your own high expectations.  Anyway...i was just going to post one of those...but then i thought of more and more pieces...so i posted them all for now...though at the end i found the bit about the leaking roof...which probably is most accurate of them all...although i don't remember the dream clearly enough to remember if it was just the roof leaking or windows and walls too....but tha's why I started with Leak and water and rain...or whatever i put up there.   So much to ponder.