Depression group was cancelled tonight because they are "calling" for snow....good grief...around here you never know what's gonna happen weather-wise until it happens.  I was really looking forward and needing that tonight.  Plus my online therapist isn't available for our usual appointment tonight but will do a check in.  Right now I don't even feel like I can make it unti tomorrow when I have my appointment with my psychiatrist and I left her and my mental health nurse messages saying that.  I just feel like giving in so bad right now and not bothering.  I don't want to keep fighting this battle anymore.  I know I'm complaining.  I'm sorry.  I'm just really trying ot get it out of my head instead of acting on it.  I don't want to end up back at the ER or the hospital but if I can't figure out something then that's going to be what ends up happening.  I really want to fucken rip out the stitches right now...and go in my room and cut cut cut and burn and take all my pills...but none of that has ever worked.  Just makes me end up feeling so sick and gross and stupid....I just wish a loaded gun would fall into my lap...and even then I'd probably find some way to fuck it up.  UGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!