Dear God,I know you are the answer to a lot of my problems but I am having such a hard time with the idea handing things over to You to look after.  I guess I am stuck in my own selfish human ways...the ways of the flesh...but well, this is what I know.   I know You have done so much for me, so much, You even came to earth in human form as Your Son Jesus so that I can be forgivin of my many sins and don't have to leave with such guilt and shame and hate.  You were the perfect sacrifice, because of Jesus' death on the cross I don't have to slaughter animals for sacrifice.  You paid the ultimate price.  You felt everything I feel and have felt and more.  You were beaten and torchered, you spat on, you were hung on the cross.  You did all this because You knew that was the only way to save me. And yet, I so selfishly stick to my ways.  My pride.  You've done so much for me...and for You I am willing to do so little.  I struggle with this.  So many people, especially You, are willing to do SO much for me.  But what do I do in return?  Nothing.  I retreat into my selfish world full of pride and figure oh I'll do it my way...time and time again.  I know my way isn't the answer, but yet I am not ready to hand myself over yet again to Your way. I'm afraid of the attacks of the enemy.  I have enough of them already.  The closer I come to You, the stronger the attacks become and that scares me.  I'm afraid, even though I know you are more powerful then any enemy (or even ten thousand enemies), that each attack will bring me closer to death.  It already almost has.  I'm so afraid Lord.  I don't want to die...even though often times I really feel like I do want to.  I often wish you would take me from this earth so I wouldn't have to deal with life here anymore and this depression and suffering.   Lord, I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to hand it to you....I don't want to let go.  You've faught enough battles, I should be able to fight my own.  I don't want to add an extra burden to your load.  You've already got that of the whole world.   Father, I know you love me and you want me to come back to You...but right now I just don't think I can.  Although I do want to see you again.  Can visitations be part of the deal for now? How about a coffee date just you and me once in awhile? While I try to loosen the grasp I have on all my things that I know you are willing to take for me when I am ready to hand them over. It may take me some time Lord.   You and me have gone back a ways.  You know I want to be a good person and in the end I do want to live for you.  I'm just having trouble getting there right now.   I know you'll help me figure this out.  I know it's only because of You that I am here today...sometimes I am thankful for that...sometimes I am mad about that.   Father, I sometimes don't want to admit I even know you, but deep down I do love You.  I am trying to focus on that and be around people who love you too.  Sometimes it's just so hard, but You know that.  You were in my shoes once.   I hope sooner, rather then later, I get past myself and get back to You.  One of these days I will again be ready to cross that bridge.  I'm thankful to know You are there, loving me and willing to take me back when I am ready and that all I need to do is ask and You will forgive me. ***HUGS*** Take care and blessings Father,Nicolle